My Tree of Life

High Five

2011-10-31T15:33:00.000-07:00

Five years ago this time I was scaling my Tree of Good and Evil. I have referred to that tree and other situations as my Tree of Life. Today, as I offer some meandering and pointed comments about that day and that tree and what followed, I hope to explain a little bit more about why I call that tree by either name. As I do so, I plead for your compassion and your understanding. There are mistakes that I have made in my life and that make me quite human. Oh, that it were not so! Oh, I wish that I could say that I were a more perfect. I hope that when you read this, you will find a place in your heart to forgive me for my imperfections and search by words for trail markers that may help you in your hike through life.

It is with a broken heart and a contrite spirit that I explain to you how I can consider that tree as my Tree of Good and Evil. There is a mention in my patriarchal blessing that I would like to share with you, "If you will pay strict observance to The Word of Wisdom, the Evil One will have no power over you." As many of you know that for a time priorcontrol a to climbing my Tree of Good and Evil, I did not pay "strict observance" to the Word of Wisdom. This created the opportunity for the influence of the "Evil One" in my life. Prior to my fall, my life was in a great deal of chaos. I think that's the chaos was created by the struggle between righteousness and evil in my life. I had given myself over to that condition voluntarily and for a reason. The reason was clear. I shall leave that for another post, another day. I understood some of the consequences when I set my foot on that path and voluntarily disobeyed the Word of Wisdom. But I did not and could not have foreseen the magnificent consequence that the Tree of Good and Evil brought to me.

That tree, I believe, is neither good nor evil. But, interestingly, it can be the source and the reflection of both good and evil. I brought to that tree my disobedience, thus allowing the tree to be my conduit and reflection of evil. I climbed to a comfortable perch which was entirely adequate for what I was doing, including taking pictures of the fall leaf colors and an owl that I had seen previously in that part of the woods. Although, by claiming that the tree seems rather innocent, there were several precursors that show the influence of the "evil one" that day. That day started three days earlier. I had not slept for probably 72 hours or more before I climbed the tree. The morning of climbing was a bright and beautiful Sunday morning, but I saw nothing but gray and dismay. I argued with my wife over petty things that were stuck as a moat in my eyes. I sat in the bathroom in my narcissistic and self-induced despair. Everyone else got ready for church and I decided not to go. As soon as they were gone, I collected my items for climbing the tree. I wanted to go higher than I had before so I took with me and old cotton clothes line that I found in the garage and had been saved over the years and used throughout countless tiedowns. I took my phone in case I wanted to continue the arguments. I took a long University of Missouri pillow that I could sit on and some other unnecessary but critical items. They all went into a small backpack that I could climb with. The tree was a beautiful tree. A large old-growth oak tree. It had many vines running up the tree and the tree slanted uphill. Because of its slant, many old branch knots, and the numerous vines, it was easy for me to scramble up to a nice high position. I sat for some time at that position. The sounds and the colors of fall were intensely satisfying. After listening for a while and taking some pictures, I was very invigorated. My strength and agility became my misconception. I saw a spot higher up the tree and it deceptively looked like a easy climb. I threw the rope up there and got is situated so that I could grab it on the last part of my climb. I started scaling the tree without any anchor except for gravity. I slipped and I was left hanging from the bottom side of the tree. I paused for a moment to collect my misconceptions. My grip was slipping. I had to make a choice. With my left hand, I was able to reach out and grab the rope. Then, through another cascade of misperceptions, I swing on the rope towards the tree pulling my right leg up to hook it over the edge of a branch. The plan was to use my right leg over the branch as a stabilizer and then pulled my way around to the top of the tree. My right knee, in fact, caught the branch just as I had planned, then the tree proceeded forth as a reflection of heavenly good. The branch broke, the rope broke at precisely the same time. Having my knee over the branch left my body in a head down position. I have often wondered why the momentum did not propel me into a flip so that I headed to the ground feet first? I am certain, now as I write this, that good one out over evil at that moment for me. I think that I blacked out because I do not remember any of the fall. But if I blacked out, it was only for a moment. I remember feeling my body hitting the ground with the tremendous thud and that my body paused for just a moment in that head down, feet up position. Then my body fell also and landed with another thud.

Of course, my first thought was that I needed to get up so I could go back up the tree and collect my things. But, for some reason that I did understand at the time, I could not bring myself back up. I remember thinking about that and wondering why and quickly answering myself that I must be in some sort of "shock" and that when I had gotten through that, I would just get up and go back up the tree. I think there is a hallmark marker for any Tree of Good and Evil which is that, if it truly is a Tree of Good and Evil, once you have partaken of its fruit, you cannot ascend the tree once again. You metaphorically die.

I may have gone in and out of consciousness lying bare upon the ground, I cannot say for sure. But, once again after the evil has been sent away, another cascade of good memories. I remember hearing my phone, which was on vibrate, at various times. I imagined that the phone calls were from my wife ( and I was right about that). Then my wife yelling for me off of the back of the porch. One time, I remember that she yelled that lunch was ready. I imagined that she was angry with me and that my lunch would be pork and beans or something like that. I was wrong and here follows some more good: she had taken her time and carefully prepared a Thai dish that was my favorite trying to open the door with forgiveness and kindness. I heard them sending our dog Freckles after me. He was a great dog, one of my favorites, but being a Dalmatian, he didn't understand our language and failed to find me. Perhaps an English setter would have been better! I try to respond to the calls, but my mouth kept filling with dirt and leaves and it seemed as if I couldn't return response. I decided to try to turn my head around to the other side and try yelling from there. It seemed to be much harder than I thought it should be to turn my head. But, once my head was turned, I could tell that I was in a better position to yell. I began yelling the words, "Help!". It seemed that even when I yelled as hard as I could, it was nothing more than a muffle. Once, in the middle of one of my efforts to yell, I began to feel a snake crawl over my head. A snake! I consciously tried to make my yell more quiet and in between yells for out, I blew out of the corner of my mouth with hopes that it would send a snake away. Eventually, the snake finished his crawl over my head and, as legend has it, curled itself up next to me to share my heat. A copperhead and, whether true or not, has given me more metaphor.

The evening arrived and the calls to my phone stopped. What also stopped were the periodic yells by my wife. When darkness fell, I am sure that I slipped in and out of consciousness. In one moment of consciousness though, I had a very strong feeling overwhelme me. I knew that if at that moment, I would just give up and stop trying, that I would die. I don't remember hesitating to think about it, but the thought appeared to me as a picture that I could pray and ask Heavenly Father for the one thing that I always kept as my desire. I prayed that my life may be spared so that while in mortal flesh I may repent of my evil sufficiently so that I might be returned to good.

It seems that almost immediately as I concluded that that my wife resumed her yelling for me. I could also hear someone else yelling and getting closer and closer to me. Then, in my mind and my spirit, I saw my daughters Hannah and Saren on their knees praying for my well-being. I heard someone standing over me. My friend Scott Slatten.standing above me with a bright light. At first, I thought he was playing games with me because he kept asking me if I could "feel" this or that. I'm sure the worst raced through his mind. In a last desperation, he grabbed my calf of my leg and squeezed it so hard that it later left a deep bruise. I felt nothing. I still didn't understand what this meant, but sure was glad to hear Scott and my wife. I drifted out of consciousness again and they called 911. I woke again when the paramedics were at my side and doing whatever kind of assessment that they do. Lots of lights shining bright in my eyes. I didn't follow what they were doing. Soon they gently turned me over onto a board and strapped my for head down to the board. I faded again while they carried me down a steep hill through a thick and dark forest. I next remember an open ambulance door, a kiss by my wife and a promise that she would see me at the hospital. Next, I felt them quickly pulling me out of the ambulance, more bright lights, the thunderous sound of helicopter blades a sound to which I still cringe this day). there is much that follows that helicopter ride to the state trauma center that one can find in my medical records if so inclined. Miracle following miracle. I remember getting my first blessing, many followed. Within my mind, perhaps induced by my medications, the war between good and evil in my life continue to play out. Brief moments of lucidity, I treasured. My family was precious and so caring. My heart continues to be filled with gratitude for all who extended themselves on my behalf. My wife was precious and her response to such sweeping and immediate changes were phenomenal. Good after good sustained me. During the nights and early mornings that I lie awake praying for understanding and answers to questions. Answers, some I wanted to hear, others I didn't came all the time.

To be more accurate, my wife reminds me that it is The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. But, I believe that what played out in that tree, what followed, and went I experienced was much more than knowledge -- it truly was "good and evil". There is an account in the New Testament of Jesus cursing a figtree. Should I curse this tree, my Tree of Good and Evil? On the contrary, I believe, the tree should be blessed and respected for its role. I brought evil, my lack of obedience to the admonition given me in my patriarchal blessing, to the tree. That tree provided my crucible. Good and evil struggle with each other and, as we are promised, good one out. All things, not just some things, all things can work together for our good. We must want that, it must be the underflow current of our lives, it must be a vein that runs deep to our core.

That tree is also becoming My Tree of Life. The miracle is just in process and/or I have a lot of feelings about that process, I don't have the language to write about it yet. Perhaps, when I reach my 10 year anniversary!

My Blessing that is Tawnya Lynn Curtis Atkisson pt. 2

2011-05-11T10:46:00.002-07:00

The early years of our marriage, probably like the first 20 years or so, were taken by raising children, working to make ends meet, and serving in the church. As I look back, I am embarrassed to say that I was often emotionally and mentally absent. When our first son was born, our first child, we were both filled with a great sense of joy. But it seemed like the weight of the responsibility of financially caring for my family settled deep within me. I believe that my faith wavered and I began to work and depend upon myself rather than upon the lord. Again, I remember Tawnya's encouragement rather than any complaining. Our first apartment where we lived when Seth was born barely had room for him and Tawnya and I slept in a twin size bed. Many date nights were either at the dollar theater or in the library watching videos on their TV for free. She would always get up with Seth during the night and I would hear her beautiful voice singing to him as she carried him or rocked him. Our next apartment was right across from a park. We took on the job of managing apartments to get our rent for free.I would come home from classes and often find her with Seth playing in the park. She compassionately taught him everything. When our other children came, she taught them in the same way. She was always patient, but she had high expectations for their work in their obedience. Each child met and exceeded our expectations because of their love for her. This love came because just as the Savior loved us first, she'd loved them first. She fulfilled in all ways and even many more what I first saw once he was playing with fat young boy in the hallway. Given my life in total, I can unequivocally say that her motherhood for our children has been her biggest blessing throughout my life. As I watch my children now become parents, missionaries, friends, Cousins, aunts, uncles, husbands, partners, and wives, I can see the fruition of this blessing. When I hear a grandchild laugh with their mother, father, aunt, or uncle my heart fills with joy, hit it is a fulfillment of part of my patriarchal blessing. Tawnya is the one the Lord chose to fulfill this part of my blessing. Joy does not even begin to describe the depth and fullness of the indescribable feeling which I have.

After years of my having unbalanced priorities which demonstrated themselves as my lack of putting Tawnya first in my life, I almost lost her. We took a journey that I believe only soul mates could survive. We both worked on our relationship and Tawnya hung on tenaciously. There were periods of deep darkness for both of us individually and together, but they were always followed by grace sufficient to keep us together. We now attribute our deeper love and relationship to the grace and atonement of the Savior. There can be no other answer, soul mates are challenged and forged in the fire of grace and atonement.

Now we come to her greatest days of compassion for me. We find ourselves in our latter years of marriage in our second estate. At least, with my condition, it feels that way for me. Given her genealogy, she should go for many years than I. Perhaps, as the song says, I will have to go on ahead and she will catch up with me when her chores are through. Every day, now, she tenderly takes the oxygen off of my face as I awake and she dries away the extra moisture accumulated over the night. She gingerly straightens my arms as far as they will go. She and I so miss the loving embrace that we have enjoyed almost every morning for 25 plus years. These days, she kneels beside my bed, most of the times with a smile, sometimes with a tear.

Refer to last note!

My Blessing that is Tawnya Lynn Curtis Atkisson pt. 2

2011-05-11T10:46:00.001-07:00

Refer to last note!

My Blessing that is Tawnya Lynn Curtis Atkisson pt. 2

2011-05-11T10:46:00.000-07:00

Refer to last note!

My Blessing that is Tawnya Lynn Curtis Atkisson pt. 2

2011-05-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

Refer to last note!

My Blessing that is Tawnya Lynn Curtis Atkisson

2011-05-11T07:31:00.000-07:00

There are so many blessings that Tawnya Lynn Curtis Atkisson has brought into my life that I can scarcely touch the surface in this post, not because I can't write long enough, more rather that I can't remember well enough!

Today is her birthday. Though it did not know her when she was born, the pictures I have seen show early on her compassion through her eyes. If I had to describe how she has been a blessing to me, I would definitely choose the word " compassion". It begins as her sparkling blue eyes that belie the never ending compassion that lies deep within and is shared liberally.

I first met Tawnya at a stake super Saturday activity in Willard Missouri. I had taken a group of youth from our tiny branch. While I was waiting in the foyer for one of their activities to conclude, I noticed a young woman with a SMSU sweatshirt on. She was playing with a young boy, proline a ball down the corridor so he could fetch it.They were both laughing and thoroughly enjoying themselves. The boy was young enough to be her son, and Tawnya was wonderful as a mother. I remember thinking at the time that I would love to have a wife that was such a good mother. Previous to my mission, that's how it never crossed my mind. Later that evening, I asked her to dance. I must note here that she not only displayed her abilities toting my first prerequisite but she also came through in so many ways as to completely overtake my second prerequisite of true beauty! Both of those qualities she has maintained and improved upon up until this very day. We danced and I tried to impress her with my only quality-that I was so returned missionary. After listening to me go on and on, finally she stopped me and asked me the question that would change our lives forever: " what is a missionary". She was a nonmember which I had taken for granted. Now, I had to take a step back and consider one that would mean about tempo marriage. I almost did not get her phone number during the confusion at the end of the dance. It was probably that I was too shy to ask. They ended up tracking down her friend and asking her instead. I had planned to go back to BYU end of my admission papers were completed. But after a couple of months of telephone conversations and letters that smelled like heaven, I began to consider the possibilities of going to school in Missouri. She was still a senior in high school. Another serious consideration. So I decided that we should have a date so I could explore the possibilities. As I remember, our first date was in December 1982. I brought flowers for her and her sisters and a pewter full collector saucer for her mother. I thought about bringing shotgun shells for her father, but I quickly pulled back from that thinking it not in my best interest! Though I won some favor in the side of her mother with my gift which she has perched on the back of her toilet to this day (not quite sure of the metaphor there), that favor was soon lost as she noticed I was driving a small two door sports car. I believe that it was a Ford EXP and it was yellow, which I didn't know at the time was Tawnya's favorite color. We decided to go Christmas shopping in the Springfield mall which was about a 90 minute drive each way. While at the mall, we had fun playing with the shopping carts and Tawnya fed her picture taken on Santa's lap! We went to a movie, the very first "Airplane" movie in the series. I laughed out loud and Tawnya thought it was boring and nearly fell asleep. After the movie, we went out to eat. By this time, I was feeling very certain about a possible future together with her. So, as we were waiting for our food, I gingerly approached the subject by asking her when she would like to get married. Her reply astounded me and left me speechless the rest of the afternoon. She replied without any hesitancy that she wanted to to wait until she was set at least 27 years old to marry. She gave me her rationale which sounded quite plausible. She had a full ride nursing scholarship that she had worked very hard for to the University of Kentucky or Tennessee.

My Blessing that is Tawnya Lynn Curtis Atkisson

2011-05-11T07:26:00.000-07:00

Closing in on 50

2011-05-10T08:23:00.000-07:00

Well today seems to be creeping up on me, or should I say rushing me like the oncoming avalanche! I sure think that thoughts have been filling my head about years gone by and how I need to capture them so my precious posterity will know how it got to where I am.

First, I've got to talk about my 50th birthday party. It came so totally out of the blue for me. If I have had a birthday party before, without meaning disrespect, I don't really remember them. I do have some vague memory of having a birthday party when I was very young and the picture that runs through my mind is that I spent most of my time in the bathroom -too much cake I guess! But I'm not really even sure if that is true, because it seems more like a picture or a story I read.

Anyway, back to this great 50th birthday party. Brianna and Jackie have been planning this sense January.I can't believe that Brianna was able to keep this a secret. She spills almost everything. We all can mostly count on that. But this time, everyone kept it quiet. As I look back now, I can see a few slip up's, but it was on the evening before mother's day, so I'd just logical thought that it had to do with mother's day. Us boys took off to watch the movie "Thor" for the afternoon. That was actually my idea, but it was a good way to get me out of the house so they could decorate. On the way home from the movies, Curtis mentioned that they had some extra desert at the church if we wanted to come and get some. That sounded great to me so we headed up there. They said that it was being held in the back of the church. We tried a couple of doors and then went to the cultural hall. It was all dark, so I figured that was not the place either. But then, all of the sudden, all the lights burst on and everybody shouted surprise! Brianna was taking a picture of me and I figured it out that it was a surprise party, but I thought it was for someone behind me and I kept trying to get out of the way of the person of honor. Then they began to sing happy birthday and it was to me!

I was so incredibly surprised, it took my breath away. Then, several people came forward to offer me a card or a word of congratulations. It's sincerely one of the best highlights of my life. Everyone was so kind and the offering their own words of gratitude for having known me and gratitude that I was in the ward. I feel it's so differently. I feel a great gratitude to my Father in heaven for blessing our family that we could find such a great ward to live in. I hope that we can find a house in this ward that we can buy. All of the tables were decorated with black tablecloth and centerpieces with balloons. They had several dishes of food that ward members brought. There must have been 50 to 75 people there. Every one of them so very precious to me and I think of as great friends. Jackie and Brianna had planned out some great activities that covered my life, questions, pictures and stuff. Some very nice cards by some. Several others have told me how they would have liked to attend. I don't say all of this in pride, but rather in great gratitude for all of my kind friends and especially for Brianna and Jackie, and others, who had such a great hand in bringing this to pass.

The other great surprise for my birthday was a visit by my son Curtis and his friend Adam. I sure miss the boy and wished he'd lived up here with us. He is so family oriented and even mentioned a couple of times about having children. What a blessing that would be for he and our family. He arrived on Friday evening and came in and woke me up. At first I thought it was Seth, but then I realized he wasn't quiet like Seth but was bubbling like Curtis! It was a great surprise to see him and a pleasure to meet his kind friend Adam.

I don't know how many more birthdays I will have, hopefully many. But I do hope that when I die, my spirit will arrive at a dark and cultural hall and everyone will shout surprise and sing me a welcome song. I would love to be in the company of the same people for eternity. Only one person missing and that was Hannah, but I had a nice wonderful talk with her the next day on mother's day.

Hannah is at a point on her mission where it is easy to become discouraged. She is on the edge of grasping the language and the culture. But for the next few months, she will have to work very hard and she will still feel like a fish out of water. She is a wonderful missionary and soon she will arrive at her home and sail smoothly.

Surprise visitors!

2011-04-11T09:55:00.000-07:00

Some of the following posts will be copies of my weekly letters that I am sending two Hannah on her mission. I felt like they would contain many of the blessings that we are receiving in our family and that I would be contributing to my blog more regularly like I should.

Dear Hannah,

Well, good morning! It is a beautiful bright sunny
spring day here. It is so nice to wake up to that after we have had
such cloudy and rainy snowy days lately. But the weatherman says that
the snow and rain will be back to get us this week so more. We're
looking at some very serious possible flood situations this spring.
Still, I hope we have a good spring for the fruit trees. Guess what?
Yep, we had sweet surprise visitors this past week. On Wednesday
morning, I woke up and felt like I needed to call Brianna, but she
didn't answer. That's because her and her and her were on their way to
visit us. They arrived in the evening and what a surprise we got! It
was so wonderful to see all of them and they lifted our hearts. Of
course, we all sat around for days and just talked about how much we
missed you. No, I'm just kidding! We did talk about how wonderful you
are doing and how grateful we are that you are doing so well. I
remember very well the disappointment that came from finding a family to
the point of baptism and then they fall through some how. I think the
place that you arrived at his really the way that Jesus would feel. I
used to always remember that not all seeds grow at the same rate and
sometimes we find ourselves expecting to harvest and we are still
attending to the growing stage. When the male you are teaching traps
hold like that, you can pretty well assume that he is questioning or
having problems with one of the commandments. And, sadly, it is most
likely the law of chastity. At least, that's the way it was in my
mission. Usually, they won't talk to you about that because they know
that it is wrong, but they don't want to talk about it or give it up.
Perhaps, a visit with the priesthood leader in your ward would help.
I'm really excited about the grandparents accepted the gospel. They
will be a wonderful influence for their children and grandchildren.
Grand parents make wonderful missionaries! I'm grateful that you worked
hard to gather priesthood leaders for conference. That work is very
important and will bless the strength of your missionary work.

I had a great deal of fun playing with Taylor and Ellie even began
to warm up to me and smile at me before they left. Sad thing though,
they took Saren with them for a week. She really is a great blessing to
me and helps me out a lot. All well, I can stand to lose a few pounds
anyway!

I'm sorry that I am not going to write a great deal more today. The
reason is because I'm training my voice recognition software again and
it is a very tedious project. I love you and I am very grateful for
your dedicated service. May your week be filled with excitement and
joy, dad!

I Will Hold Your Hand Gimpa

2010-12-25T18:31:00.000-08:00

Each day, we have many examples, experiences, and encounters with our Lord Jesus Christ. True, we often overlook them in our busy lives, or we brush them off and attribute them to someone or something else. One would think that our lack of recognition and attribution to our Lord would sadden and discourage Him. When faced with such discouraging rebuttals of our self-centered efforts to offer kindness, we often abandon our interaction. How many times have we heard or said something to the effect of, "if they won't do something for themselves, then there is nothing more I can do for them."; or, "they are not even paying attention to what I am saying. So, what is the use, I'm just wasting air."; or, "I went to a lot of trouble to do that for them and they spoke not even one word of gratitude. Well, that will be the last time I do anything for them."; or, "this is the gratitude I get after all I've done for you!". I should like to tell you about one experience that I had with our Savior this year that will serve as an example for me throughout my life.

Our little granddaughter, Taylor, is a ball of nonstop energy. Just like any other child I have known, she has her moments of mischievous this and outright destruction. She is very independent, and seems to have a case of selective hearing already! She is curious, and she is learning. It is obvious for me to see that she enjoys and loves life. She won't stay two for the rest of her life and I'm sure we will all be amazed at how she turns out.

tudies how I am and how different I am from her other grandpa. I have held her once when she was a tiny baby, she will never remember that moment, and I doubt that it will return. Her second to last visit here seemed to give glimmers of her understanding. My "situation". Once, while she was seated in her car seat in our Van waiting to leave, I rolled up next to her and I asked her if it was okay if I sat next to her. Without even looking up from her coloring activity, she curtly replied, "sure, but you can't take my seat." Then, moments later, she looked up at me and commanded me, "you stand up!" A simple explanation that my legs did not work like her legs was all she needed, and she immediately went back to her coloring. It seems like a milestone to me that she had just crossed.

My last visit with Taylor, and the subject of this essay, broke many frontiers of understanding for both of us. As always, she was busy, but often she would ask me to accompany her while she was busy coloring or whatever. She would even ask me to go with her while she started pulling stuff out of the drawers that she knows she is not supposed to get into. She would test my abilities out by placing things in my hands, to see if I could hold them or not. Then, she got the notion that I could get up if she wasn't in the room. So one afternoon, she brought a big bag of candy, and left it a few feet away from me and then just left the room thinking that I probably would get up and get them while she was out of the room. To her surprise, I did not do that. Another afternoon, while I was in my room, she had been playing downstairs with all of the other members of the family. I suppose that she noticed that I wasn't there to be a part. She returned upstairs to my room and started coloring project on the floor. She was silent. Then came my encounter with an example of our Guide. Taylor asked me to go downstairs with her and play. I said, "Oh Honey, I would if I could, but my legs don't work and my wheelchair would fall down the stairs." Then, she looked up at me and said "oh you won't fall, I will hold your hand" Suddenly, the story of Peter trying to walk to Christ on the water came to my mind. Peter sank into the water despite his faith until the Savior came and gently took his hand and raised him up. I wonder if I would have left my fears and took her offer to hold my hand, where would I be today?

Children's eyes, perceptions of the world, and trust in their Friend give them the sweet innocence and faith that Jesus spoke of when he said, "be ye the little child". Could we be anything better?

Counting My Many Blessings

2010-11-07T14:05:00.000-08:00

I don't really have much that I've thought of today to write about. That's always a dangerous situation for me, because I have a chronic case of "diarrhea of the mouth." And no, I don't have a picture of that, sorry. I think I did a pretty good job in my last post of demonstrating that I know absolutely nothing about how to layout of post that includes pictures. I haven't taken the time to learn that because I have been very sad about not being able to take any pictures myself. But, last week I decided that there are already a lot of great pictures that my children and others have taken that I can put in my blog to make it more interesting. So, I'm going to work on that piece of blogging, but probably not in this blog.

Today was fast Sunday, and we had testimonies in sacrament meeting. I had a wonderful feeling of joy listening to Hannah's strong testimony. It seems that every time I see Hannah. She has grown "a footer to"( I'll leave that voice-recognition mistake for you to figure out, just say it slowly phonetically). Spiritually, I mean, of course. She bore testimony about her reading in the book of Mormon about the sons of Mosiah who were preparing to leave on a mission. Her reading was particularly poignant for her, given that she is preparing to leave on a mission. She was impressed by their great faith. They didn't know how long they would be gone or what would happen to any of them. But they had faith that each of them would maintain a shining testimony and then would return to reunite one day. In fact, that's what they did some 14 years later. I feel the same way about Hannah. It has been a blessing for me, for her to come home this weekend. She is an uplift and an encouragement to me to live the best life that I can.

While at church today, I was talking with a good friend of mine. We were talking about our children and how much more intelligent and wise they are then we were at their ages. I feel this way about all of our children. I am just utterly amazed at the her intelligence, their wisdom, their spirituality, their integrity, their contribution to society, there nurturing and leadership abilities. I have always hoped that my children would do better than I did and have increased opportunities. That day has come and gone with all of my and it delights me greatly.

Testimonies were born today about recognizing and having gratitude for even small blessings. Small or great, I think that it is very important to recognize that. And as frequently as we can to record them. Just as we would a precious jewel. Certainly, blessings are worth far more than a precious jewel. Every day I receive so many blessings. Each night as I lay in bed before I go to sleep. And as I prepare for prayer, the largest smile crosses my face. My day is always now with blessings. Gratefully, my aide,, gets me out of bed and dresses me. Every morning. I could not stand to stay in bed. Such a lonely place is my bed. And then she feeds me, a healthy breakfast made of yogurt, that mom has worked hard to buy and the fruit that our neighbors have brought us and grains, like frosted mini wheat's or energy bars. I cannot do anything to make all of that happen. Every bit of is a blessing. This week I learned about some of the nuances of playing the organ. I never realized how much it took to play the organ. Sister Benson taught me all this one day, while feeding me lunch. And on they go. I should mention before I finished that I have been led. One way or the other to several pieces of information and software this week that will contribute to my project. These are obscure things that are not generally found or available. Doors have been opening and the path is clearing. It's time for me to stop now. I am tired of fighting my voice-recognition. Honestly, I really do know how to punctuate and tell a story. It's really a good thing that I don't have to carve on Golden plates or write with a feather pen!

4 years and I've never been more excited!

2010-10-31T18:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, ostensibly, my goal is to write about my anniversary of my "Fall from the Tree of Good and Evil". I'm hoping to add some media to this comment, but it's not one of those things that I have worked on yet. I'll probably end up talking more about the full buzz that I have going on inside me( no I don't think it's a medication issue) due to the excitement that I feel about the experiences and blessing that our family and I have had over the past week. So, let's start there.

We all suspected that Hannah would get her mission call this week on Wednesday. Her plan was to drive home as soon as she confirmed that( about a five-hour trip). So she started calling home on Monday. She knew her call would not be here, but she had some planning to do. Her car has served her well, but it was doubtful that little thing could make the trip. Besides, who was to be stranded on the side of the road halfway between St. George and Orem? So, she arranged for a mode of transportation, a little more reliable from a friend. So she had to know what time the mail comes each day. Then she called on Tuesday, a couple of times, just to make sure they didn't send it next day air. Her and I had a little joke going about getting a letter from "box b". You can look that up in past issues of conference talks I'm sure. Anyway, no letter from box be on Tuesday. Then, Wednesday, and it came! Mom and Jackie phone Hannah on the way back from the mailbox. She was already on her way! I think it's occur about three hours to get here. Fortunately, a friend was riding with her. It was hard enough for me to drive from Seattle to Tacoma waiting to read my mission call. Mom and Jackie had put up some great decorations in anticipation. We got Brianna, Eric, and Curtis on Skype. We all made guesses of where she might go stateside or where foreign. Jackie had made a sign just above the map, where we put our guesses, that read "where will she go? I don't think anybody knows, except for perhaps the Lord." Turned out to be a very prophetic sign. As their are a number of videos that were taken, I will leave the rest up to slipping in one of those videos. We have all been floating on a cloud since her call. We are so blessed to count on Hannah as one of our sisters and friends. I don't think the video will show it, but Hannah almost passed out from hyperventilation. You know how they say, "the best wrinkle cream is a child or grandchild." Everyone that I talked with today at church was so excited. I'll bet we have between 10 and 15 full-time missionaries out, and that's not counting any of the Temple missionaries that work close by.

{I wanted to include the video. We have on Facebook, but I'm not quite that can be inclined yet. So here's another picture from that same day. Can you sing the song with me, "one of these people don't along with the others..."}.

Over nine months ago, TLCa decided to finish her nursing education that she had begun even before we were married. She works very hard with her school from 10 to 12 hours per day. Sometimes more. She is doing very well, and even though she is petite, she stands head and shoulders above her classmates. Her schooling would be a full-time job, plus some for most people. But not her, she has continued to keep her full-time job. Even though she has to work 32 to 36 hours per week. So she can stay on her insurance. Every day she gets up so early, my heart is both glad that she has this opportunity and sad that she really has to do it. She is benefiting in so many ways, from her education, and I know that that will bear her sweet fruits in the years to come. We have been looking, well mostly, TLCa, for a way that perhaps she could not work for her last semester. She only has two left. One day this week, she came home just so bright and beaming, which is really not much different than the norm, but I could tell that there was something behind this one. So I asked her what was going on, and she said that someone( individual wishes to be anonymous) has granted her enough money so that she can not work in her last semester. I doubt that the person who has done this will ever read this post, but I simply must say anyway how extremely happy and thankful I am that someone would help me fulfill this role that I still feel responsible for, but as of yet, have not been able to fulfill. I know that mom, TLCa, has paid our tithing faithfully and done all that she can do to keep the commandments. I certainly attribute this blessing first two Heavenly Father to give the inspiration to her benefactor. And second to the benefactor for having an open hearts and a kind pocketbook/wallet. I know that I pray for them that their life will continue to be blessed and prosperous for as long as they live.

Every morning. Jackie brings Maxine into see me after she gets up. She usually gives me a big smile and a yawn. Maxine has the most engaging and beautiful gaze that I think I have ever seen on a baby her age. They come in and now throughout the day to visit. For all the challenges that I've had, I would do them again for just one more chance to see my children and my grandchildren. Can one think of any greater blessing than this?

I would like to mention with gratitude some other blessings and inspirations that I have felt this week which, I believe, are some of the answers regarding why. I have been able to live for years, postaccident and I think many more. I may not have written about this so much in my earlier posts, so I'll try to summarize here. When I first fell to the ground and realized that it was quite possible that I would not get up. Nightfall came and went and the temperature dropped quickly. There was a moment where I knew that if I would just close my eyes. I would die. The sorrow of what I would miss out on, particularly the opportunity to repent in my mortal life and returned to membership in the church, as well as wondering what my grandchildren might look like and how things would go with my children. So I offered the best prayer that I could, it was really a plea. I asked Heavenly Father if I could just have a bit of time in my life so that I could repent. A greater peace came over me and I was able to keep consciousness until I was in the helicopter. When I awoke later in the hospital, I remembered my plea for help, and I began my repentance. While there still are many things that I need to repent of daily, but they do not keep me from serving and of belonging to the church. my baptism came and went. In a most sacred experience, my blessings were restored. And I was still alive! So I started to dig into genealogy and scooped up some 70,000+ ancestors. I have felt often as I have gone over just a few of those names and submitted them for Temple work that genealogy was definitely a reason for me to continue my mortal life. Now I love genealogy, as most of you know, and I can spend hours and hours without so much as an external thought. But I have found that I cannot do genealogy 24 seven, and it really felt like there was more for me to pursue. Off and on, I have had some therapy clients, which I have tremendously enjoyed and will continue to keep my LCSW. But, that still was not it, at least for now. Same goes for writing. For my adult life, I have been fascinated with and enjoyed computers, particularly programming. I had a wonderful career as a therapist, thanks to the sacrifices of my family, but I felt drawn towards programming. Of course, it was interesting to me, but I wondered whether or not. It would end up wasting my time. I'm not really keen on my steam my time, for obvious reasons. So I continued to pursue programming through different avenues, mostly as a hope to provide some little income. All the time, I have been thinking that I am a fool, because there are so many programmers. 1/5 of my age, who can run circles around me. I will never catch them, nor do I want. But why this pull toward program. I have wondered about this and prayed about it for many weeks. Then one Sunday, about three weeks ago now, a flash of thought came to me that perhaps there could be a way that I might be able to pull together. Both my llikes for programming and four genealogy. Within the last couple of years, there has been a great movement to make vast amounts of information easily available for programmers to see what they can do with the information. The idea is a simple one really, one which we've learned when we were kids, and it goes like this: "two heads are better than one". So what about thousands of heads. On my way home from church, in the back of my head. I thought that I had seen that the church was beginning to open up the their genealogy data in a limited way to programers. I poked around a bit, and sure enough, that was true. It required that one apply for a developer's ID. And it mentioned that someone would review my application and probably would want to talk to me first. That was a bit frightening to me, because I really don't know that much, even as hard as I have been learning for the last six months. I took a deep breath and applied anyway. Within a day, I was on the developers mailing list and had access to developer information, but not to data. I poked around some more and really started to get excited. My excitement that need to only scan the instructions on how I might have my own developer IDE and sandbox. So I thought that perhaps I could meet the qualifications that I had just briefly read. Naïvely, I submitted my application for a developer ID and sandbox. Then, afterwards I read the directions a bit more clearly and worried that I had made a critical error. There were several more qualifications that needed to be fulfilled, which I have not yet accomplished. So, I set out to accomplish them, but never really thought that I might get a response to my inquiry. But, four days later, on a Friday afternoon two weeks ago, I received an e-mail, which gave me my developer ID and instructions on how to proceed to acquire my sandbox. The e-mail also said that as soon as I felt comfortable to give the managing director of this unit a call and discuss what my ideas and my skill level are so that they can more better help me. I did not expect to become acquainted with their system that quickly, but I doubt again and went through the tutorials and a lot of information. At 11:30 AM the following Friday, I got up the nerve to call and talk to the managing director. I thought that he probably would be headed for lunch or some other meeting and I would just leave a voice mail. Such was not the case! He picked up the phone on the very first ring, and I stuttered with a short introduction. In my mind, he seemed and talked like he might be tired from a long week. I told him my situation, and what I have felt that very morning that I should pursue, which is a genealogy program that can be easily utilized and accessible by the blind, those who cannot use the keyboard, and others with disabilities. I told him about my acts, and about my search to regain a role in life and then about my idea for the program. I could feel a distinct change in the tone of the conversation. He became very excited and asked me some questions about my computer skills. He asked me if I thought that I could put together a mockup with basic functionality in a couple of years. I told him, jokingly of course, that I'm not so sure that I have a couple of years left. He said well, what about a year or nine months or six months or three months, which did I think I could do? I confidently replied that for what he was asking, I could accomplish that task within three months. He became very excited about the possibilities that such a program could provide. He asked me an odd question about what I was doing for income? I briefly outlined my sources of income, which really are none and are reserved for household bills and a bid for gifts for my children. From time to time. He went on to say that if I could produce. What I was talking about, that there may be great need for such programming. Not only in his family search area, but also in other areas. Then, it seemed as if a light bulb went off in his head and he said, you know, I know the mission president of family search and talk to him quite often(. I didn't even know there would be a president of family search, but it makes sense), and perhaps there could be an opportunity opened up for me to serve as a missionary for family search. He said that I could serve as a remote missionary, and that they do have some others with various disabilities, who do so. My heart was so warmed by this idea. I had always wanted to serve in my later years. The spirit that comes along with such a calling is tremendous. And I have never had that same spirit again in my life. The spirit that came with the calling of a bishop was quite different for me, but also a most marvelous experience. I confirmed with him, what it was that he wanted me to do and we finished our conversation which took about an hour! So, this last week. I have been studying over and narrowing down my choice of languages and platforms. I would not want to charge for such a program, but I wanted to be top notch. Throughout the week, even though I did not work on the program, I felt matches each day to go one way or the other and it always seemed that a door was. And I learned more to prepare me for this program. Then, just yesterday, I narrowed it down to two languages and three platforms. I sat back and thought about how to proceed ahead. Then, I realized that two of the platforms would make it difficult for me to pull out the program, the code, from the platform and that it might be of somewhat of a great cost in the future. Again, I was fondly around on the keyboard, and I had such a strong impression to check into the third platform, which I had almost written off long ago. So I started to look into the am bring myself back up to the basic level of understanding the platform and the programming to make sure that I could use such a program for what could be potentially a large data set. I could! And the platform and the language, and many additional tools were all open source. Then again, while in church today. I listened intently to the words of sacrament, Sunday school, and priest hood. In Sunday school, we talked about just of the spirit. One of the gifts of the Spirit that I had not considered before, was the get a translation. Not interpretation of tongues, which is another gift, but it about translation, particularly as it applies to translators in the church who have been called and set apart to translate. They could have access to greater amounts of inspiration and revelation in their work. Well, computer language is something that I need to translate into another form that is accessible. Could I perhaps one day have that gift. Now, I have known that there are the correct pieces to pull together everything I have that this program will do. Basically, there is the database work that needs to be set up, the program needs to be able to be easily screen read by some other program, and it also needs to have working voice input. It would also be nice if it could be available in more languages than just English. And if the voice-recognition component of the program could be trained or preconfigured for those who were going to use it. These questions have been floating around in my mind for the last week. So, on my way home from church, I decided that I would accomplish two things today. The first was to write in my journal and mentioned just a few of the blessings our family receives all the time. And the second was to explore this framework that I had landed on and see perhaps if it could be sued for what I have in vision. So as I was poking around the program a bit, I discovered that there were 600+ tools that could be added to the program. One way or another. Then I also promised that news bulletins about the framework was scrolling across my screen. They caught my eye. So I pulled them up, and one of them was the most wonderful and personally revealing video. For me. A professor from the University in Illinois and a professor from Washington University in their student's have been working on a program for many years. That would make program more accessible to the disabled, particularly those with blindness. After years, they were already to test the program out. So they went to the Washington State school for the blind and gathering together 20 or 30 students from middle and high school. They had these teams work with the program and learn basic programming, which was new to most of them. They also provided feedback for continued work on the program. I was stunned, amazed, and so grateful. This program is a plug-in to the platform that I chose yesterday and it has specific programming language that can be built into a Java or Java FX program that allows for text to speech moments and voice-recognition moments. I will leave the underlying current of what happened for the reader. But, I can tell you that I have a solid barrier now on what Heavenly Father wants me to do with my time. Right now. For how much time this will go on, I don't know. I have not felt this strong about a significant purpose for my being since our decision to go to graduate school. According to the Lord's will, I will press forward, and we shall see. I invite you to watch the following video and let me know what you think. I have written so much today, but I think that I will keep my comments about what has happened over the last year. For another post. I know that our Heavenly Father cares about each one of us, and prepares for us a journey. How he does this, I do not know, for I, or any one of us for that matter, or as but one grain of sand in a numberless quantity. But, I have a to many experiences in my life for me to question ever that he is my father. The NT does love me and cares for my eternal worth. I see that happening in my children's lives and already in our grandchildren. Now, please excuse the mistakes that I have made, certainly in the last part of this post. My eyes have wondered enjoy, but they also state and I have to write with them closed.

The Best Wrinkle Cream Ever!

2010-10-28T07:30:00.000-07:00

I have had the shortcut for making blog posts lying on my desktop for some time now. The other day I noticed that it was starting to develop some pretty serious wrinkles from lack of use. That and Brianna's gentle nudging has encouraged me to press on. It's kind of interesting, as a sidenote, that mom is trying to listen to, what I'm writing in my journal, well, it's really our journal, because most things happen for us together. But that's not the funny thing, it's funny that about every sentence she will ask me to repeat the sentence, because she didn't quite hear it. Now, that doesn't work so well for my voice-recognition, so if you see any repeating in future blog posts, it's not me! Actually, everyone should know and let this thought seep deeply into your hearts: mom had her hearing tested the other day, and it came back perfect! Right, I know! The person doing the testing told her that once seemed like loss of hearing, was more of a challenge with shutting out background noise. When she pressed further, and mentioned that her children claimed that she had "selective hearing", the technician replied, "they don't make hearing aids for that sort of problem." I'm not trying to slip in a poke at mom here, because, at least in my case, it has been a blessing for her to have selective hearing, because what my brain thinks and what my mouth says are often two different things.

Another ingredient in my wrinkle cream recipe is that Hannah received permission called yesterday. Our home was just buzzing from 8 AM until 10 PM as we waited for the mail, watched for the mailman, called Hannah, waited for her to make the five-hour trip from school, which she made in three hours by the way, gathered around as an entire family of some of us here at home, and others via Skype. Jackie and mom had made several cute decorations and baked a cake. We all picked where we thought she would go and put it on a world map. Hannah kept stalling until everything was just right. There was a sign above the map have read, "where will she go? Nobody knows, except for the Lord, of course." Turns out,that sign was the most correct guess. She is called to the Nicaraqua, Manaqua North Mission. Hannah was so excited, as were all the rest of us, that she almost hyperventilated and passed out. Then, as she continued reading the letter, she paused after the phrase that said, she would be serving for 18 months space and let out a great cry, so we thought that maybe that's surprised Hannah or something else very interesting. Turns out that she was reading ahead and Discover that she was to report to be MTC on January 13, and that's what surprised her. What a wonderful joy. We have all felt for her. We also discovered that she is only going to be in the MTC for three weeks and then going to Guatemala for the remaining six weeks.

So that's about it, though certainly not all of it, for right now. I think I am going to kick back for my morning medication sleep. More about that on another day! Congratulations Hannah!! You are my "best wrinkle cream ever".

After The Snow

2010-04-05T13:36:00.001-07:00

Brown

White

Green

Yellow

Breaking News: I have been named the official marriage therapist for John and Kate!

2009-06-28T20:31:00.000-07:00

Hello again dysfunctional world! I have decided that what I am going to do today to make the world a better place is to become the official marriage counselor for John and Kate. My first offer of advice was for John to at an h to his name to begin to even his standing with Kate. I also told Kate that from here on out she would be known as "Kate The Snake". So future shows will be entitled "John and Kate The Snake plus Eight". Since this show is billed as reality show, you will no longer see Kate The Snake on any of the shows because she is either off promoting her book are checking on that pool cabana boy. John's hair plugs will be replaced with gray hair plugs that poll out in clumps. John and the kids will be gone most of the time so that the maid can clean up the house and the plumber can have around-the-clock access to all 10 bathrooms so he can unplug the toilets.

Okay, I need to stop because I am already way behind on all of the great things that have been happening with our family (but I promise to finish my autopsy on Michael Jackson by my next report). Tawnya and Saren are in San Jose. Saren gained a spot in national competition for gymnastics! She has been working hard for eight years and it is really beginning to show in our competitions. Last I heard, they were headed to San Francisco and having a great day.

Seth has been admitted and will begin attending law school here at BYU this fall. Jackie has earned the opportunity to teach another year by which time she will have earned her teaching certificate. I am really proud of those two. They are here this weekend helping to take care of me. They seem to have quite a wonderful relationship and are very kind to each other and others.

In some bittersweet news, Bree, E., and Taylor moved to Arizona. They were able to easily sell their house here because of how beautiful they had made it. They worked very hard on it. E. is becoming quite the real estate entrepreneur and tycoon. He works incredibly hard with his hands and with his brains and they are beginning to reap some rich rewards from the righteousness. While E. was back and forth, Bree and Taylor were able to spend some time here with us. Taylor is such a joyful blessing for us as grandparents. I just delight in watching her. She has begun rattling off strings of gibberish. But if you ask her what does the dog say, she will immediately stop and look up with a straight face and say "woof woof" and motioned with her hands that she is to smack the dog and then just go right on with her gibbering! It seems to me that she has finally figured out that I am different than everyone else because she only sees me when I am either laying down or in my wheelchair, but I know that she recognizes me because she will give me one of her famous grins. Tawnya and Ifind great joy and blessing in being grandparents and we are excited for all the more who choose to come to our family.

Curtis is doing very well at the University of Missouri. Of course, we miss him very much and hope to see him sometime this summer. By invitation of his professors, he takes mainly graduate courses. I'm not quite sure but I think he will earn his PhD before his bachelors! He has been awarded a prestigious national merit scholarship and professors actively recruit him to help them with their research. All the while, he continues to work and enjoy his life. I feel that his hard work and kindness towards others has earned him many blessings which he continues to enjoy.

Hannah was recommended for and earned a wonderful internship at a ranch way up in the mountains. The ranch is designed to help teenagers with behavioral problems which are only really manifestations of their parents dysfunction. She has learned how to milk a cow and is enjoying working with the horses and the residents. This internship along with some other blessings will allow her to pay for her next year of school. She did very well this last year at Southern Utah University in her classes and has developed many good and lasting relationships.

I must say that I am very grateful for our children and the blessings that they have been receiving. The above paragraphs are just a very quick sketch of their wonderfully intricate lives. I have learned to appreciate each of them as individuals and have begun to understand a bit about their individual personalities, gifts, and blessings. In my heart, I know that no other father has ever been so richly blessed. I am learning about how to be a better father (being taught much by the best parent on the earth -- their mother). I enjoy being a father and I hope to be able to repair some of the damage and the inattention of my younger years as a father. My heart is tender as I see them pass through their trials. I know the trials are part of the plan of happiness, but I often find myself tearfully pleading in my prayers that their trials will be small and short but they can still learn the same lessons of happiness and growth.

I must write about the gratitude that I have for the blessings that I have received from my Heavenly Father. Over the past little while, I have traveled a couple more times through the valley of the shadow of death. Each time, my Wonderful Heavenly Father and his son, my Great Brother have sent blessings of grace to carry me and to teach me. Many of these moments of grace have come from the hands of my gracious companion. I delight in her life and am grateful and am grateful and humble to be her companion. I am learning how to be a better husband. I have a long ways to go, but I am hoping that through my restoration of blessings, my diligence, and Grace I will be a blessing in her life as she is in mine. I really feel that we are now involved in the arts of soulmating.

Unfortunately, I do not have the energy tonight to detail many more of my blessings. I hope that does not indicate my lack of gratitude. I am going to include a video that the church has recently produced about a wonderful and simple father. I wish that I could be like his father and I offer it as a wonderful tutorial and dedication to the other great fathers in my family.

well that effort is going to have two-way for more energy perhaps in my next post, sorry for the inconvenience.

Some Thoughts on a Snowy Sunday

2009-04-26T15:28:00.000-07:00

Apr 26, 2009 2:53 PM

As unbelievable as this might sound, I am looking out my bedroom window and it is snowing! The weather says that it is 43° and it is snowing! The only time I can remember seeing snow this late in the year was when I was a young boy of about six years old living in Iowa State. As I remember, we had a really bad winter with snow drifts 8 to 10 feet high. Snow did not melt until summer! Anyway I read a great talk from the last Gen. Conference from Pres. Packer and I thought I would include some of my thoughts about his talk here.

This talk was given by Pres. Packer ostensibly to the young men of the church. And indeed he did speak to the young man about the Aaronic Priesthood and there awesome responsibility as a priesthood holder. Today, the young men's president of our ward called and asked if the young man could come and bring me the sacrament. My life will be blessed by these young men that come. I will be able to repent and as Pres. Packer said "retain a remission of my sins". This is a great blessing to my life and I hope to be able to express my gratitude to them. Pres. Packer talked about how we live in uncertain times and that the toys of more prosperous times will need to be forsaken in these times of economic uncertainty. He assured us that we will be okay, that to delay or forgo worldly gratification will be a great lesson to us. He also pled with the young men to learn all they can, even practical things like how to fix a car, how to sew, and how to cook. He taught the young men and all of us that we need not fear if we learn of and stand by truth and righteousness. He also mentioned a teaching of president Joseph Smith that "we of the flesh have power over those not of the flesh". I have not always been a righteous holder of the Aaronic Priesthood, but I can testify that when I am my life seems to be filled with more joy and faith and less fear. As certainly I will have grandchildren and great-grandchildren to come who will hold the Aaronic Priesthood, I invite them to read these words of Pres. Packer. They are timeless and for priesthood holders of all ages.

Apr 26, 2009 3:35 PM

I also read a wonderful talk by Elder Richard C. Edgeley Of the Presiding Bishopric entitled "This Is Our Phone Call". He spoke of the great forces of humanitarian service we have been able to provide as members of the church during times of recent disasters. He also reiterated the story of the call from Pres. Young to the members of that time to go and bring in those who were stranded without food being in the cold on their moves westward. Elder Edgeley said that we were every bit as capable today to bring together the strength and charity of the Priesthood and Relief Society to help each other during these times of economic distress. He asked us to help one another find or upgrade employment.

In the last year, I have been the recipient of many efforts by my priesthood quorum brethren to help me find employment. Those efforts have been offered in quietness and humility. Unfortunately, I find myself bed bound at the moment. But I know that when I am healthy and able to work, my priesthood brethren will be of great assistance to me. Our family has also been helped in so many other ways, including food and gifts from members of our Ward and others of our community. While I am saddened at times about our situation, I am very grateful for Tawnya's employment. Three nights a week she works the graveyard shift and also works to other day shifts to help our family. She is a great example to me of charity, courage, humility and love. I am also grateful for those others, many of them nameless, members of our ward and community who have served our family.I hope that our family can also participate in helping others in the ways that we can in today's time and for generations to come.

Much Ground to Cover --Sunday, April 19, 2009

2009-04-19T14:23:00.001-07:00

As I look out my bedroom window, I see a bright blue sky and white capped mountains. It is a beautiful sabbath day. Tawnya and Saren have gone off to church. So much has happened since my last writing that I hardly know where to start and how to make sense of it all as I write. So I apologize if today's writing is rambling and disjointed.

I have experienced a broad range of feelings both emotional and physical since last writing. On an emotional low I wish not to dwell but can paint some broad strokes. I have frequently fallen into the depths of the emotional depression as the mortal man in me contemplates my decreasing health and the emaciated state of my physical body. Too often I let myself dwell in this self-inflicted pity and it seems that I do nothing but spiral down. Fortunately, I try to keep most of these periods of depression and tears of pity to myself and to times when others are not around. Unfortunately though, I do have my moments of public display (by public I mean most generally Tawnya and Saren, but sometimes others). I believe that I had one of those private moments of depression that coincided with some sort of what I believe to be a chemical imbalance in my system. I am not entirely sure of though of the sources of my feelings, but the behavioral consequences were something that I have never experienced in my life. I wish I could have contained the whole experience to privacy, but unfortunately it flooded over and create a very sad and concerning witnessed by others. To them (Saren, Brianna, Tawnya, McKay Matthews, and my night aide) I offer my sincere apology. I wish that none of my behaviors would have been triggered in this experience and certainly wish that no one else should have been witness to them. From a spiritual perspective, I have had many experiences with the blatant attempt of the adversary to overtake my behaviors, but never have I been such attacked, nor have I ever been taken to this extreme. I accept responsibility for my behaviors. My mistake was to not avail myself to the grace that I could have received from the Savior if I would have been less self absorbed and turned to my heart to prayer. Thankfully, others around me were more humble and I received a priesthood blessing which proved to dispel the darkness that overcame me. I am thankful for the cumulative and faith of those persons mentioned above. In summation, I learned that light is more powerful than dark and that I can survive the dark by turning myself toward the light. I hope never to have such an experience again in my life, but if I do, I know where to go for the string to survive it and not harm others by it.

Moving on from the depths, I want to write some about the emotional and spiritual height of feelings that I have had recently. As part of my process and journey to come to know my Savior, I desire to have the blessings of the priesthood and the Temple restored in my life. This requires my continued supplication to and application of the atonement. Tonya and I fasted and prayed to understand the atonement, blessings of the priesthood, and blessings of the Temple in my life and for our family. We also searched for the words to convey my desire to have the restoration of these blessings and help you in writing letters to the First Presidency. Our hope was to be able to clearly define our feelings to the First Presidency and place our faith in the will of the Lord regarding this restoration. This is the second time in our lives that we have petitioned The First Presidency to seek the will of the Lord. In a much more humble and simpler time in my life, I called the First Presidency to ask if it would be all right for Tawnya and I to be sealed in the Temple. This needed to be done because we were going to the Temple one day before Tawnya's first anniversary of her baptism. I didn't expect that we would have to do this, it just didn't cross my mind at that time, but when we went for our Temple recommend from the stake president, he noticed the timing and told me that I needed to call the first presidency. I remember that at the time, Tawnya and I uttered this simple and short prayer and then I called the first presidency. When I asked for Pres. Kimball, Brother Aycock came on the phone. He was the executive Sec. to the first presidency at that time. As I explained to him our request, I could hear clicking in the background. That sounds seemed unusual to me so I asked Brother Aycock what the sound was. He told me that he was typing it into the agenda for the meeting of the first presidency that was to occur the next day. As we were to go to the Temple at the end of the week (we had been invited to accompany another family for the 18 Hour drive we not having only a bicycle for transportation at the time!), I asked Brother Aycock how we would find out the response of the first presidency? He put me on hold and then came back on the phone and told me that we should just go to the Temple and the first presidency would convey to the Temple presidency their response, that being the will of the Lord. The Temple presidency met us at the front desk, informed us that the First Presidency had called them and asked the Temple president and his wife to accompany us through the Temple. This was Tawnya's first time through the Temple and it was only three Temple president, his wife, and one of his counselors in the ceiling room with us. Tawnya was five months pregnant with our first child Seth. This I have taken the time to write this experience, because I am not sure that all of my children know about this, first of all, and second, it was an experience that taught both of us to trust that the First Presidency could see can find the will of the Lord for the church as a whole as well as for us as individuals and families.

That lesson sank deep into our souls and remained right through a journey of darkness and set the foundation of faith for which we have been able to proceed and again seek the will of the Lord through the First Presidency. Sometimes what seems like small and innocent experiences in our lives can set the foundations for much more in the future. At least I have found that to be my experience.

We submitted our letters to our Bishop and he came and interviewed each one of us. Because of my physical circumstances, I was on my stomach with my arms and hands pinned below me in the side of my face set deeply in our waterbed when he interviewed me. He sat on the side of the bed and we had a very spiritual experience as he interviewed me. At the conclusion of the interview, he offered a prayer. Then at the end of the prayer, he said to me, "I'm going to give you a kiss on the head" and he leaned over and gave me a kiss on the head and left to interview Tawnya. After interviewing us, the bishop wrote a letter and filled out the paperwork and send the packet to our Stake President. He also then came and interviewed both of us. At the conclusion of the my interview with him, I related to him my experience with the bishop. He then set that he wished to do the same and had felt so prompted. He offered a prayer and then gave me a sweet kiss. I have been the recipient and initiator of many kisses throughout my life. Only one kiss has been more spiritual than those which I received from the bishop and the stake president. That is the case that Tawnya and I shared across the altar in the Temple 25 years ago. I mean no disrespect, disregard, or otherwise to anyone else that has given me a kiss on my bald head. I have enjoyed, remembered, and savored each one and a for each I offer thanks. They all shall foreshadow what I hope to give them to receive in Sacred Experiences of my hopeful vision of my future.

I am going to take a break for I am exhausted and I will write part two to this novella within the next day!

A Beautiful Easter Morning!

2009-04-12T11:23:00.001-07:00

What a beautiful Easter morning and the most appropriate of times to offer up my gratitude for the blessings that I receive from the life of Christ. I think often of the possibilities of being resurrected. As I lay here in bed without the capacity to move much but my mouth, I dream of the day of being resurrected and having the opportunity to hold my wonderful companion, and to run and play with my children and grandchildren. I want to ride horses with Hannah, jump on a trampoline with Saren, read a book with Curtis, sing a song with Seth, hug Brianna with all my might, hold role and play with each of my grandchildren dance with my companion in the moonlight and run my fingers through her soft hair. I suppose that's Jackie and Eric will once her own time with their companions. But if I could feel just one hug from each of you my heart would be filled with great joy!

Resurrection is a gift given to all of us. This comes to each of us automatically because of the choices we have made prior to this life. In addition, Jesus Christ suffered death so that he might be resurrected and give us hope. I was not one of those fortunate enough to feel the nail prints in his hands and feet. I did not see him to send from upon high with his resurrected body. But I have to come to appreciate the opportunity that I have to lean back and watch the clouds as they float by. I know that he will come again from his heavenly home through the clouds that I watch with great anticipation. I would not have had such a great blessing without the fall. I pray that my life has changed significantly enough and with sufficient time so that I may establish my worthiness while in this mortal body to enjoy a Resurrection with the righteous and that's I can be united with my ancestors, and the my wife and posterity when their chores are through. I invite all of us to hold that hold that hope brightly and to work toward partaking of that sweet fruit. I am happy and desirous to go before you to prepare the way and to build many glorious mentions that will await you. I give thanks for Jesus Christ and for the resurrection.click

A Weekend of Feasting on the Word

2009-04-06T01:57:00.001-07:00

First I want to say that our family members have received many blessings over the past couple of weeks that I shall like to detail in another post. I was just so invigorated and uplifted by this past weekend that I wanted to write a post before I forget.

This past weekend was a wonderful weekend for me. I mentioned to mom that what I experienced this weekend was what I felt or pictured would be what my life would be like when I was 65 or so. I felt a great amount of peace and was able to make several long strides on my journey to know Christ. Indulge me if you will with a few thoughts of my own and I would love to hear from each of you in the comments about how your weekend went.

On Saturday morning, Saren, Mary (one of Saren's great friends), Brianna, mom and I loaded up into the van and took off for Salt Lake City at about 7:45 AM. I believe that this in and of itself was a miracle. Mom was able trade her Friday graveyard shift for a Saturday grave your chip (yes I know that was a typo, but it gave me a chuckle so I thought I would leave it) and I was able to get my wonderful aid Alicia to come early and get me out of bed. Have actually been in bed for several days and was not going to go to conference, but who knows how many opportunities one gets to do that so I decided at the last minute to take a chance with my sores and go with everyone. Hannah was also supposed to go with us by because of bad weather she could not come up from SUU and we were sad about the we will get to see her next weekend on Easter.

The last conference that our family as a whole was able to go to was in the tabernacle. I could not believe how different this experience was for me. They routed us into a handicap parking which was very close to the new conference center. We only had four tickets and I imagined it would be like it was years ago so I thought that he would be no big deal that there were five of us since I was not taking up the seat anyway. That turned out not to be the case! They actually now I have ticket scanners at each door and the positively were not going to let me in, wheelchair or not, without a ticket. Small miracle: the family behind us had an extra ticket and handed it to us and just said, "you must have dropped this ticket". And all of us chuckled and we made it through the front door. The security now is quite interesting and very strict for good reason. As for me, the security was tighter than it was when I went on my last airplane trip. I have never been to the new conference center and it was absolutely beautiful. There was so much art in the common area that I just wanted to take my time and see all of the art. I shall have to go another day to do that. Anyway, we were escorted to our seats on what I believe was the first mezzanine. The best I could see was that there were people below us and people above us at least another two mezzanines. As a matter of architecture, the conference center is wonderfully beautiful to behold. Although for me, with my poor eyesight, it seemed that we were far away. I don't think that the tabernacle could even hold the number of people that were on the ground floor much less the rest of us. I think I enjoyed it more when we could sit closer, but I do not miss the hard seats and the pillars of the old tabernacle.

No I am not sure that I could correctly give you the names any of the speakers throughout the weekend, but I can tell you that I stayed awake for every speaker which is a conference first for me sadly to say. I enjoy trying to find the main themes of the conference and would like to talk about them and how they have brought such great blessings in my life.

Adversity: since the conference six months ago, our national and international economies have nose dived. There are many reasons for this but there was little focus on those reasons. The speakers chose instead to focus on ways that we can bear this burden with faith in Jesus Christ and in the long-term plan of happiness. I am not as in tune with the economic hardships of our family or nation as others are. I know that we experience them, but I have also seen over blessed couple of weeks many economic blessings that have come our way (I'll save these for another post). The advice, counsel, and the invitation that was extended to us by the speakers encompassed much more than economic adversity. In my case, I felt that each of these talks applied directly to my life. One thought kept me thinking about my situation. That is, while it appears that we have the right to, I need to be careful about placing the blame outside of myself and look inside to accept responsibility. By doing so, I am able to feel off my "nothingness". In like manner, I cannot lookTo the "arm of flesh" to solve my challenges of adversity. Trial and tribulation, small or great, will come into all of our lives and invite us to take the heroes journey. The effort should not be on trying to escape such trials and tribulations, but learning how to endure them joyfully and righteously. Perhaps the best way to do this is to develop a relationship with Jesus Christ that will allow us to use the adversity as a way to "grow from grace to grace and grace for grace". We humbly submit ourselves to the will of our Heavenly Father and do so in the name of Jesus Christ as our intercessory. Then come what may we shall have built our houses on solid foundations and therein enjoy peace, our families, and enjoy while the winds of adversity howl outside. I certainly have not been one to follow this admonition very well in the past, but I hope to renew my efforts and bring these principles into practice so that I might set my course for eternity. It seemed that most of the speakers were either talking about this being directly or offering us ways to make our way through the dark forest that is adversity.

Prayer: many touched upon this topic, but there was one who had prayer as his central theme. Again I could not tell you his name (that's why I am anxiously awaiting the written version), but I can tell you that I learned a great deal from this talk. While the basic elements of prayer are quite simple and were given to us by Jesus Christ. But there are so many ways that we can enhance our prayers allowing us to increase our hope, faith, and charity allowing us to access the powers of heaven and hell of Angels. Again, while I feel I have been making great strides in this area, I was encouraged by this speaker to work more diligently on my prayers. I have always had faith in prayers every since I was a little child. I'll bet that there are a couple of stories that I can use to highlight this that not any of you have heard before (imagine that!). When I was a young boy of six or seven, we had gone on vacation or something like. All I know is that I was in surroundings that were unfamiliar to me. I had asked my father to borrow his fingernail clippers. It was with a strong admonition that he allowed me to do that. For some reason, he had an attachment to this particular pair of fingernail clippers and "I better not lose them or there would be consequences". So I borrowed them and went outside to clip my nails. I do not remember how, but somehow I lost them! I wandered for some time looking for them and could not find them anywhere. Talk about your foxhole prayers, I offered one. I remember it being short, filled with tears, and certain promises of future good behavior in return for help to find the Clippers. Within seconds, I went directly to a spot over the side of the hill and found them. One more story: at the age of 14 our family attended a summer camp of sorts that was being put on by The Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. In one of the sessions I was asked to offer the closing prayer. During that prayer it seemed to me that I was floating off the ground. At that time The Reorganized Church still believed in and talk to often about Joseph Smith and his efforts to find the right church. The story struck me and I felt that I could also do what Joseph Smith had done. So I offered several personal prayers during that week to find the true church. I then became much more active in the reorganized Church, but still was questioning and praying. As you know, through a set of serendipitous experiences, I found and joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints with a strong testimony that it was the true church at 17 years of age. I know there is great power and peace that comes from prayer. I look forward to growing in that principle.

Temples: I long to return to the Temple. I believe the in the ordinances that I have received in the Temple including having all of our children sealed to us. With all my heart and soul, I want to be worthy of these eternal blessings. There was one talk given by Elder Richard G. Scott that was so beautiful, heart wrenching, and inviting at my hope to have my blessings restored swelled. Through other talks, I really began to understand the great purpose of the Temple and the work of becoming saviors for our ancestors. The Temple and all of its ordinances and covenants provide greater protection and peace particularly in times of adversity. But for us to realize and to receive the depths of the blessings in the Temple, it is important for us to return often. While I am committed to accepting the will of the Lord in regards to my application for restoration of blessings, there is a certain peacefulness within me that gives me hope that I will be able to return to the Temple in this life. As I have been doing genealogy work over the past few weeks, I have felt a closeness to our ancestors. They were all good people and anxiously await their opportunities to receive the ordinances, covenants, and blessings of the Temple. As I notice while I am comparing my information with information from the IGI, others have been very kind to perform those labors for us, but there is still much to do. Sometimes I will just sit and stare at a record that either we have done the work for or someone else has and tears will come to my and the connection is made. I have been inspired by these talks as well as the faithfulness of our children to attend the Temple. I assure you that mom and I have a loud and believe that the Temple and all that it has given us is one of the great cornerstones of our eternal family.

Follow our church leaders: it is absolutely amazing to me as I have watched over some 30 years of church general conferences. Always timely talks have been given. Also we have received prophetic admonitions and revelations, some which have come to pass in some which have not. If I would have spent the last 30 years paying close attention to the general themes of each cow's and adhering to the admonitions and the invitations of our church leaders, I would be a much better man, father, spouse, and servants in the kingdom. (The word cow's is supposed to be conference). The past is the past and during this weekend I felt a great sorrow that I did not set a better example or teach my children about the importance of conference and following church leaders. Anything less than that is egotistic and makes of your life one that is more temporal than spiritual. I suppose I am. Behind the fog "I don't want to follow anyone blindly". Ironically, I would rather stumble around in the fog then dropped to my knees and find out for myself the truthfulness of the admonitions and invitations from our church leaders. A friend of mine recently pointed out to me that president Hinckley, I believe you the priesthood session, one to us almost to the month of this economic downturn that we are currently in. I actually remember that talk that president Hinckley gave, but I did not heed his prophetic admonition. I look forward to doing that much better in the future. As a side note, in Pres. Monson's closing address he gave one of the most during ammunitions that I have ever heard spoken from the pulpit from any church leader. It was surprising to me coming from him, but it greatly strengthened my testimony in him as a prophet. He mentioned that there is much good that is done on the Internet including allowing us to communicate around the world. But he cautioned us about the surprisingin the use of the Internet for pornographic purposes. He said that that also included sharing pornographic pictures via our "cell telephones". His words were very clear and direct. He said that if we were involved in this we must cease now! Invited us to search outassistance if we were caught in this awful spiral and grip of the adversary.

Mom had to work this Saturday night graveyard shift and is again working the graveyard shift tonight. Her sacrifices and accomplishments for our family absolutely astounded me. I cannot be anything but eternally grateful for all that she is doing. She is also very tender with me and serves me selflessly. As well have all of you in your own ways. Your mother and you have had a profound impact on my heart and soul. Both of us drink in conference as if it were the first conference we had ever heard. Daily our prayers are for you and with you. We are finding our own uniqueness and our relationship as soulmates and eternal companions is naturally been strengthened and sat on firm foundation each day. Bree and Taylor came over for the second session of conference today. This was a very sweet enjoyable time for me. I look forward to many such times with them in each of the and future grandchildren that shall grace our families.

While it is 3 AM backspace five words Xbase eight wordsbackspace to words -- oh rats I give up. It is now 3 AM and as you can see I am beginning to slur my words and must go before my Freudian slip's beginning to show.

A Reflection On Early-Morning Blessings

2009-03-25T16:09:00.001-07:00

It seems that my last post was filled with typographical errors as a result of my use of the voice dictation and laziness in not editing my posts. Well I can tell you one thing for sure, it sure made Tawnya laugh! But I offer my apologies to any of you if it was offensive and I will certainly try to edit better in the future.

I wanted to offer some thoughts that were randomly flashing through my mind this morning. I have probably told all of you this, but since my accident, I wake up at 3 AM or so in the morning and cannot go back to sleep. This happens more often than not. At first it was very frustrating to me, until I had a series of spiritual experiences in these early hours of the morning. Since then I have come to believe and feel that these early hours of the morning are a blessing to me. Such was the case this morning and the while I can still remember what I was thinking about, I wanted to get it written down.

I sleep directly under the skylight and most nights when I wake up, that is my point of focus. This morning as I was gazing through the skylight, I thought how wonderful it would be if the last moments of my life I were to look up and see a skylight directly into heaven. Then, if my soul could just float up and squeeze through the skylight and continue floating up to the Light above. So then I got an idea: hopefully one of you can fit my gravesite with a skylight directly over my head. Of course it would have to be one-way glass! See why I think that being awake at three in the morning is a blessing.

This week, probably on Friday, I am going to fast and write my letter to the First Presidencyregarding the reinstatement of my priesthood and Temple blessings. I have been thinking about this for some time, not necessarily the letter, rather my worthiness and ability to honor the priesthood and worthily have my Temple blessings restored. After my accident, I focused quite strongly on my rebaptizm. I worked on repentance but still wondered if I was worthily to be rebaptized. Then one Sunday, when the sacrament past by me, I had a very strong feeling of peace and comfort. I knew that Heavenly Father had excepted my meager offering and was ready to extend his grace through my baptism. Well, what I am trying to get to is that I felt a very similar feeling this morning. I feel that grace will once again be offered and that I am ready to receive it. There were many things that I was concerned about in my thoughts and behaviors. I don't wish to share those, except for one. I have grown accustomed to a still life and a quiet life. I spend much time alone completely still with the thoughts of the great blessings I've received bouncing around. For those of my children or others who read this, I don't want you to feel like I am angry or sad when I don't talk. I have found that my talking is not quite as good as it used to be and that I would rather be quiet and listen. Besides, your mother seems to know the exact right thing to say so I cut a deal with her that she would do the talking and I would just be quiet. I know my family is used to me blessing on with an open mouth and smiling and joking. That has always been my nature until just recently. So know that I love you and that each of you are a great blessing to my life. When I wake in the morning I think of each of you one by one and my heart expands with great love and gratitude and my eyes become misty. I am planning for a day in the future that I can once again hold you and appreciate what I feel.

We have the best home teacher's I think we have ever had. They are a great blessing to us. I have wonderful aids, nurses, and doctors who help me out and bless my life greatly. I love our bishop and our state president and early mornings. Many nights Saren will sleep beside me and help me if I need some. I usually do need her help at some point during the night to take off my blanket. She is always so kind to me. She still kicks her feet at night, but I have come to enjoy that and I really think what she has always done is to reach out and connect.

And last and first of all, right next to my thoughts and prayers are my feelings of gratitude for my wife. She has extended such great kindness to me, much of it now just between her and I. She is helping me develop and field a loving connection with her that I hope will last through all eternity.

Our Family Is Passing through a Valley...

2009-03-09T12:04:00.001-07:00

It is the normal cycle of life to have individuals, families, communities, and societies passed through good times and bad times. Right now our nation and the world in general is passing through somewhat of a hard time. This does not concern me as much as the difficulties our family is facing. I feel very sadabout some of the valleys that our family has to go through. I did learn a wonderful little same yesterday from a friend of mine Ramona, "pain is inevitable, but suffering is not". Anyway, as we suffer some pain in our family, I hope we can focus on our blessings and not our hardships.

I feel that our core family that is left here at home is very blessed to have Saren here with us. She has a very big load on her shoulders,I really can't do much to help her light giving her rides to places and helping her with her friends and church like I have been able to do with others in our family. This is very difficult for her I am sure. Sometimes, her mother over works herself, and becomes very susceptible to colds and flu's which can put her down for several days if she is not careful. It is certainly a blessing to our family to have her whole fee and being able to work. So there aren't days that she really means to rest all day long and even then she gets up and has slept for 10 hours or so, she needs to stay in her pajamas and just rest the balance of the day and go to sleep at the appropriate time because she has to turn around and work another graveyard tomorrow night. I am trying to work the best incest that I can to increase our income so she doesn't have to do this. But she also wants to be home when Saren gets home from school. So in that sense, her being able to work at night time is a blessing for Saren. Sometimes we just don't understand each other very well and we wish that we had a better set of parents. I hope that I can help more than I am now.

The bishop came to our house the other night and made a sacred place in our bedroom as he spoke with Tonya and I. We are preparing the application to submit to the first presidency to petition to have my blessings restored. We have such a kind Bishop and are blessed to be in a wonderful ward. We are all going too fast and trade letters this month to go along with the application.

Seth was blessed with a good score on his LSAT test and is now awaiting returns from schools that he has applied to. I feel very good about this course of direction and feel that he will be accepted at a school that will be good for he and his family. We went over to their house for a small party for Seth last week. He is working a job at Subway right now. I had my hair his humility and how hard he and Jackie are working in these difficult times.

Brianna and Eric have been doing very well with some real estate investing in Arizona. They have been richly blessed to be able to buy several homes and rent them out. Unfortunately, at least for us as grandparents, it is hard to accept that they will have to move to Arizona. Perhaps after Saren gets out of high school, we can follow them down in the winters. I sure would like that.

We are blederful home teacher's. In fact, one of our home teacher's McKay Matthews is coming to pick me up today to go to a doctor's appointment so that time you can continue to rest this afternoon. Also one of Saren's friends parents are going to help Saren and her friend get to gymnastics today. I just have to figure out how to buy some chucks.

Church was wonderful yesterday, we learned about personal apostasy and how one can easily find themselves in such a situation. I know this from personal experience and I invite all of my children to regularly attend the Temple and stay close to the Lord's servants by reading the Ensign. It is so easy to fall into personal apostasy, the signs are very clear to see by others, but not either one who is falling. Justification predominates.

Most of my time today will be taken in a doctor's appointment regarding pressure sores I have. If they do not admit me to the hospital it will be a miracle. But if I am not a minute I am sure they are going to put me on address which is a very difficult position for me to continue pushing hard on the websites I have been working on. I know that they the doctors know what they are doing and I pray for them to make the best decisions for my life and for my family.

So as you can see, we are very much passing through a valley which may be long or short but our choice about how we travel through the valley is entirely up to us. At the same time, we experience many blessings that come like manna from heaven.

Mormon LDS Pipe Organ Music - O My Father

I think it is important for all of us that can to establish a YouTube account and start commenting and sharing positive videos about the church so we can do her part in overcoming the negative social media. Just a thought.

Getting Back into The Swing of Things

2009-03-02T09:39:00.000-08:00

I've been away from this blog for a while now due to nothing else except for just keeping myself busy with several other projects. I am trying to get a website up and going that would connect with facebook. My hopes is to make it an application that would allow people to ask questions and give others a chance to answer them. It is quite the uphill climb on the learning curve, but things are coming along. And in the meantime, I am learning much about several other applications. I also want to continue to try to keep up on this blog as well as another one called findinginternetgold.thehowtocornercom . They are all a work in progress, but I find that I am learning a lot and occupying my time.

I have asked before, but if someone who reads this could please supply me with addresses to all of the blogs that I should be keeping up on (family blogs) particularly the one for Jackie and Seth which has a password on it that I do not know.

It seems that our family is going through a rough spot in the woods right now, but the sun seems to be coming out. Seth is applying for law schools and received a excellent score on his LSAT test. Check is coming to a close of her first year of teaching and is beginning to catch on to it and really love it. I hope that her and Seth are able to find a way for Jackie to continue her training and receive her teaching certificate and also way for Seth to go to law school. Since spent the night with me last week as I was running a fever and mom had to work and she didn't want to leave me alone. But as it turned out, I ended up giving a very bad flu bug to Seth and he ran a very high fever which is not good for him. I had been running a fever of 105° plus, but this is common for me sometimes and I have already lost enough brain cells to create an excuse for my forgetfulness anyway!

While I should get onto my work of the day. As I think of some more blessings her family has received, I will update this blog. May all experience the joy of righteousness. I love the all my family with a deep and abiding love that I pray will be strong enough to keep our family together through the eternities.

Oh I should mention that due to the hard work and righteousness of Eric and Brianna, they have become involved with Eric's uncle in buying distressed mortgages in Arizona. They are doing quite well and have been blessed with this opportunity that is a good business opportunity during these tough mortgage times.

I have been developing a good friendship with Paul (Eric's dad) and with McKay Matthews, my home teacher. It is wonderful to associate myself with men of such great righteousness. I appreciate them and consider them a blessing for me. Well off to work!

Wow! What a week of connections!

2009-01-11T17:42:00.000-08:00

Thank You Cassie, Linda, and Gilbert for making this a very exciting week of remembrances for me! These are three of my friends that I went to seminary with and we were a very tight knit group. It was wonderful to hear from them again. They had read my blog and so were kind of up to speed. It will be good to reconnect with them and I will try to keep up with them on face book. There was a lot of snow here in Orem last week. Every day or wonderful home teacher McKay Matthews was over here shoveling our driveway and our walks so that we could get around. He had some incentive as he got for Christmas a new four wheeler with a snowplow on the front. I kid you not, she was over here at least three times a day. He even took a crowbar and chipped out the ice so that I could get my wheelchair to church. He comes and walks with me to church so that I won't get stuck and so that Saren can go to church with Tawnya. It has been a great blessing for us to have the driveway cleared. McKay is a wonderful example of a home teacher. When we moved into the ward, he was at the end of his tenure as a bishop, in fact he was overdue. Because of some illness we had here at our house, he and the Stake President Webb came over to our house to visit us. These Stake President told Bishop Matthews that he did not know who to choose as a new bishop until he had visited our home and we had some wonderfully spiritual experiences with the bishop. I believe that the timing of experiences is part of the grace of Heavenly Father. Although, Tawnya's schedule has been a bit of a challenge for all of us, especially Tawnya, to adjust to, we are working on it and it gets easier all the time. Although I miss her greatly the ninth that she is gone, I am glad and thankful to trade this for her being home when Saren gets home or that Tawnya gets to go to church with us. I have found that out out of the many things that I missed, sitting with Tawnya in church was high up on the list, so it is good to have that back. Eric passed his real estate license test recently found that was a great blessing for their family. Our grand daughter Taylor has smiled at me a couple of times lately. That brings great joy to my heart. But she still looks at me with a quizzical look on her face when I come wheeling out of the bedroom and my feet are not moving! I wonder how long it will take her to figure this all out. I know she knows that I am in a different circumstance than anyone else, but she has never seen a wheelchair and of course she does not know what it is for. Right now, all she can see is that I walk differently than anyone else. Well I am going to take off now and go catch up on my face book.

Life is becoming a circle and not a corner.

2008-12-29T09:59:00.000-08:00

So much has happened over the last couple of weeks and I really need to take some time to update this blog. I am creating a web site and so many things are on hold now. I would like to make a few comments though. He had a most wonderful Christmas, perhaps the best the I can remember for many years. The gifts that were given and shared between each other in our family were very thoughtful. I would like to mention one gift that I received that means everything to me and I am so grateful to Brianna and Eric Nelson for composing a hardback book that was composed of all of my post that I have written in this blog. In this next year I am going to move the blog to my website. Don't worry for those of you who read it I will give you plenty of advance notice. I also plan to write entries in my blog that will begin to compose a book that I just have to write. Thank you Jack and Seth for my headphones. Unfortunately Walter got to them or I should say Romeo. He is such a funny.and is fun to have around the house. Tawnya got me a gel seat cushion and my rear and has never felt better. I hope my good friend Brent Hope will be visiting soon as I miss his hug and rubbing my top of my head. Well that's it for now as head off to my website to get it ready. I have much more to write about. Oh, one last thing is that our grand baby Taylor is getting so cute and she is a blessing beyond words for her Mimi and her gimpa!

An Enjoyable Saturday with the Girls…

2008-12-13T17:10:00.000-08:00

Well, I suppose the title could be a bit misleading! I have been spending the day with three of the six most favorite girls I know: my wife, Hannah, and Saren. The only three girls that I am missing are: Brianna, Jackie, and Taylor. I guess batting 500 is not half bad!

It has been a really relaxing day with no set schedules and a lot of fun doing what each of us like. I overheard a great deal of a conversation between Hannah and mom, so I kind of feel caught up with Hannah. I marvel with Tawnya's ability to be an empathic listener and listen with unconditional love to her daughters.

Much has been happening around here as we get ready for Christmas. Tawnya and Saren have and a lot of fun decorating this year and it really Tawnya has decided feels like Christmas being in a home instead of an apartment.

One of Saren's Christmas presents is a cute little dog that she named Romeo. Tawnya prefers to call him Walter and I prefer to call him Bobo. He is a fun little dog there really has attached himself to Saren. He will follow her step for step everywhere! And he is very protective also. Almost to a fault sometimes as he barks and nips at my aides and other regulars in our house.

Tawnya has decided to change her schedule so that she works graveyards three times a week and one day session. She carefully considered her options and chose this shift knowing that it would be hard but that she would be able to go to church and accomplish some of her other goals. I continue to grow in gratitude for her kindness toward me. She visits me in the hospital and is very kind when I wake her up in the middle of the night to give me some medicine or help with something else to help make me comfortable so I can sleep.

I was able to bear my testimony this past Sunday and have been enjoying our ward very much. Each Friday, someone different from the ward prepares lunch for me and brings it to me and feeds me. I have met and got to know many ward members this way. If I have ever lived in a word that I thought I deserved to be translated, it is this ward. There are so many righteous members in this ward. I have much to learn and grow from.

It has been kind of hard to find part time work, but I am at no loss for things to do. I feel strongly about working on our family's genealogy. Also, I discovered that the church has a program called "indexing". They send you a photograph of some record and you transcribe the handwriting into computer language on a form or table. Right now, I have chosen to work on the census of 1920 in Illinois. The current batch I have is from Chicago. I am amazed at the number of immigrants that this census shows. I wonder what the life of an immigrant is like as. It most certainly must have its challenges and hopefully rewards.

In the last month, I have had my left eye fixed in surgery and one for two days at the hospital to complete a sleep study. The sleep study showed that I woke up on an average of 38 times per hour while asleep. It doesn't sound like very good sleep to me. As soon as I can, I am going to start wearing a "bipap" contraption that should help me sleep and breathe better at night time.

Many other blessings have come my way and in behalf of my family over the last few months that I am very grateful for. I am trying to split my time up between the many projects I have going on right now. So I will leave this blog and head off to Facebook before bedtime. I know that The Saviors atonement is universal and applicable in many situations, certainly many more than we are aware of. I have been learning some of those applications and I am very grateful for Heavenly Father and the Savior.

All I need…

2008-12-03T19:28:00.000-08:00

I don't have a lot of time before I will be snatched out of my ironsides and laid gently in my comfortable bed. I wanted to see how well this new microphone and headphones set would work that I got is an early Christmas present from Jackie. It seems to work much better than my last pair. The title of this blog is a line from a song by Matt Kearney. The more I listen to his music, the better it becomes and the more I understand about my life. All I need, I now have: a wonderful family, and most awesome soul mate, and a growing relationship with my Savior. Even though I experience a lot of physical pain and at times it will bring tears to my eyes, but I experience more joy than I ever have when I see our little Taylor smile or when I hear my children miles from pure happiness. More and more I see the brightness and beauty of my companion's beautiful blue eyes! I have so much to do these days and that's why my blogs are shorter and far and few in between. I delight in watching the blessings of those in my family and those around me. " as I rose to my hardest fight, a hand came somewhere out of the night" (Mac Kearney again) but in my case many hands reached out and helped me through those times. I am very grateful for all of them. But time is up… Good night to all!

Just Catching Up!

2008-11-07T16:55:00.000-08:00

I am a feeling very blessed today because of my wonderful children and their friends. I have discovered a beautiful piece of my life that I overlooked for so many years. I was always chasing happiness and joy and what do you know, here it is right in my own family. Last Saturday, I had a great chat with one of my greatest friends Brent Hope. We both talked about how great our families are, particularly our wives. We also talked about the journey of this life and how blessed we feel that we can partake of the atonement. I always enjoy his visits and wish that I could do something like go snow boarding or ice climbing or even something a bit less dangerous like tree climbing! (an inside joke that has gone way outside) oh yeah, I was talking about my kids. I love to see them and hear about their lives. It seems that they receive so many wonderful blessings. Even Seth, who is having a hard time finding a job, I believe is experiencing a greate blessing through that tremendous trial. He keeps his spirits up and Jackie is a good support for him. It will be very interesting to me to see how it turns out because it great trial is always the sign of a fascinating journey. I went to a movie with Paul Nelson last week. By this point I can't even remember the name of the movie. But it was great to be with Paul. He is such a kind man and has been so kind to our family. This last week he bought as a gift for Saren and Hannah the popular video game called wii. He told Tawnya that he wanted to give this gift to the girls so they could play and have fun because they have worked so hard to take care of me in the last couple of years and deserve some fun time. Today our old Bishop Matthews came over to feed me lunch. He brought hamburgers because Saren told him that my favorite foods were hamburgers and the liver and onions. We have such great talks when he comes over. He and our next door neighbor, Blake Allen, are now our new home teachers. They will be a greate blessing for our family. We have had many blessings from Paying Tithing lately. Right now, only I can pay tithing on my small income, so our tithing is small, but our blessings have been much larger. With Tawnya's income, we're able to pay our bills and even help our children out in college a bit. Before my accident, I never did very well with our household finances. So Tawnya keeps my nose out of it and does a great job. I only wish that I could add more income two are family. I will stay on the Lords course until the end, no matter what. Right now, there are a couple of things that I am doing here at home that I hope someday will generate income and I feel like it is what the lord wants me to do right now.

My Encounter With The Tree Of Good And Evil

2008-10-30T12:56:00.000-07:00

Before I get to "My Story", I have such deep gratitude for every one who has helped me, comforted me, encouraged to me, and sat with me during this turbulent time in my journey. May your lives be as wonderful and happy as mine is.

I have wrapped the events of that great and horrible day into a neat little package I like to call “My Story”. There are several accounts of “My Story” floating around and you get depends on the who is asking “The Question” and why. The who and the why of “The Question” can range all the way from the curious toddler who wants to know how come I get to walk with wheels and she has to walk on her feet to the belligerent drunk who slurs out the words, “how did you get that way” (to whom I would love to ask in my best British accent, “and how, my good man, did you get that way”). But I try to exercise discretion when I offer each one the short or long of “My Story” according to the who and why of “The Question”. Perhaps, valor shall be my reward. But I sense that you are of a sober mind and ask “The Question” because you are sincerely curious about the nature of my journey. So I shall answer accordingly.

It was a beautiful fall afternoon. You know the kind where the pumpkins sitting on the porch steps seem are shining brighter and the leaves of the oak in their various shades of yellow and orange twinkle and twirl as they dance for an Indian summer sun. This was a time of year when you could be fooled by the warmth of the sun and the beautiful blue skies that would give way to rapidly falling temperatures and sometimes a cold rain shower. On days like this, I had grown fond of going out off the back side of our property where I had plenty of room to roam among the giant old growth oak. I had even got up enough courage to climb a few of them and watch the wildlife go beneath me.

On this particular day, I had pack some things in my backpack which included a camera and an old rope that I had found in our shed. A few days previous, I had seen a large barn owl roosting in one of the trees. I was intent on capturing him on film for my friend who loved owls. So I set off and found a new tree that I had not yet climbed. It seemed to be the perfect tree for climbing as it slanted into the hillside and provided many lower branches and knots of old limbs leading way to a couple of sitting spots that looked comfortable enough. I had climbed to the first and spent an enjoyable hour or so listening to the forest around me. Then I hatched a plan to get up to the tallest sitting spot of the tree. I looped the rope around the tree using it for backup. There were many vines and branches that I could scramble up. When the spot was within a couple of branches, I grabbed the rope tight with my left hand and started to pull up with my right hand. The branch I was pulling upon was not quite as strong as I thought and broke. This left me hanging onto the rope with my left hand and clinging to the bottom side of the tree with my knees. I knew I could not hang on to the tree very long with my knees so I thought the best move would be for me to let go of the tree and swing myself into a position so as to be able to grasp a limb with my knee and pull myself up that way. The next series of events happened with such synchronization that they seem almost surreal. Just as my right knee had grabbed hold of the branch both the branch and the rope snapped. This left me in a rather “upside down” positioned and headed straight down with nothing between my body and the ground except silent air. I remember hitting the ground (whether I passed out on the way down or not, I’m not sure) and my body just flopping to the side.

I started to begin an assessment of my situation. First off: I could breathe. Secondly: I could see. I was thinking to myself so I figured I probably didn’t have any brain damage. I tried to move my body, but never did I ever even think of or consider paralysis. I just figured that my body was in shock and when I recovered enough I could move. I faded in and out of consciousness I’m sure. I knew that yelling was useless because it was in the daytime and no one would be close enough to hear. Once it reached darkness, I knew someone would come looking for me. I had left a wonderful dog in the garage so that he would not scare any animals (Freckles would often accompany me on these walkabouts and position himself beneath the tree that I had climbed and playfully chase after any sound he heard) or else he could have helped. He was sort of a “blonde” version of Lassie.

A short while after nightfall, I could hear my wife calling for me. I turned my head toward her voice hoping to better position myself, but that turned out to be a bad choice as I buried my face deeper in the dirt and leaves. My efforts to take deep breaths and yell loud only resulted in the aspiration of dirt in leaves (which later became a problem for my lungs). Still, I yelled the best I could. At some point, it seems to me that the yelling subsided and I felt that they had abandoned their efforts. As I laid conscious on the ground, the stark realization set in the time may have just seen my last fall day. I prayed a simple prayer and told Heavenly Father that I was willing to die if that was His will. But if not, would He please allow me enough time in this mortal life to repent of my sins and put my spiritual affairs in order. I then fell asleep or went into unconsciousness somehow more at peace than earlier.At that moment, I knew that I was only a breath away from dying, but whichever way my life went, it was in His hands.

A bit later, how long I do not know, I could hear my name being screamed for and I knew the search had continued. But at that moment, I also knew that I was between life and death and the pendulum could swing either way. I tried to yell back to help them, but even now I cannot yell from one room to the next. This went on four sometime, when I felt a snake crawl over the top of my head. So if you can picture this, I was quietly (so as to not scare the snake) time to yell in one breath and blowing out of the corner of my mouth at the snake with another breath. For me, this has become a real live allegory that I have drawn much meaning from. At last, I heard the leaves around me cracking with sound and the voice of my best friend, Scott Slatten, calling my name. He had found me and began to do a physical assessment. I remember some of the questions that he asked, but I was drifting in and out. He poked me in several places asking me if I could feel it. After he had gotten several negative answers and not one yes, with all his strength he grabbed the back of my calf (you could see the bruise even several months later). When I could not feel that, he knew that he had to call for emergency services. My wife came and said by my side, comforting be the best she could as my friend went to the road to direct the EM T’s to me. Once again going in and out of consciousness I remember seeing some of the emergency workers and my wife answering questions. It was immediately clear that I had broken my neck and was paralyzed. They took special precautions carrying me down the hill and placing me in a life flight helicopter. Up until this point, I had never rode in a helicopter before. Unfortunately, I did not remember any of this ride.
And that concludes the extended version of “My Story”. I appreciate all of you that have read this entire account. Somehow that makes meaning out of meaningless.

Just enjoying some wonderful blessings--October 18, 2008

2008-10-18T12:58:00.000-07:00

"Kindness is the first and last step on the road of love, and yet the first step and the last are not the same. Kindness is fierce and mighty as well as gentle and forgiving. Either one, can open a door in your heart and change both you and the world".

Well, once again much has happened around our little spot in the garden. I have decided to start a new social group on Facebook where I can talk some more about my physical challenges which have been many since my last post. So if any of you care to keep up with the enjoyable life I have as a quadriplegic, go check out my social group on Facebook. You may have to sign up as a friend to view it. My hope is to have a true international social network of quadriplegics where we can share th our lives.

Sean and Tawnya: much has really happened for Tawnya. She had an "edge of life" experience that they gave her an opportunity to experience the hospital. Because of a priesthood blessing and her strong will to live, she made it through the valley of the shadow of death. When she came out on the other side, her heart had had a miraculous change. She has a strong desire to keep the commandments, repent, and find her way back to Christ. I don't want to say all lot about this because I believe she will write about it when the time is right.

Bree and Eric: they continue to work on their house. It really is beautiful, but soon will be too small for them. Eric works so hard to please and surprise Brianna. He is a wonderful husband. They're though learning so much as parents and are doing wonderful. Our little baby Taylor is growing so much the and as a pure joy to her grandparents. It seems to me as eye have gotten older in life, all I really want to do is help my children and grandchildren grow with feelings of peace, joy, gratitude, and a close relationship with their Savior.

Seth and Jackie: Jackie has landed a wonderful job as a schoolteacher. She is on a program that will allow her to earn her teaching certificate while she is teaching! She is not quite sure though that she will follow this course. We're all very happy for her. Th Seth is facing perhaps one of the most common challenges that lead to patience--procuring his first job out of college. We're all praying and fasting for him. Knowing Seth as I do, he will learn one of the great lessons of his life from this experience. Seth and Jackie found their first apartment together (after college) in Sandy. I must say that they both have a good eye for class and decorating. Their apartment is beautiful.

Curtis and Rashad: I wish I had more to say about these two. It seems that their lives are far too busy for me to catch up on. I do not that they are both busily engaged in college and from what I hear doing quite well. Curtis continues t going quite well o work as director of marketing for a software company. Again, from what I hear, things are going quite well in that sector of his life. All I can say for sure, is that Tawnya and I love them very much and include them always in our prayers and I believe that Heavenly Father is watching over them and blessing them. Th

Hannah: this girl has received so many blessings in the past few weeks that it would be hard to detail them in words that would serve her blessings justice. She is doing very well in her college course work. But the thing that amazes me, is that almost daily she has a tremendous spiritual experience. She reads a wide variety of literature and seems to find spiritual experiences and the most unlikely of places. The quote that I started today's blog with was from her reading and a wonderful book called "Chasing Rumi". Her car has been blessed to be able to make the drive home now for several weekends. It seems like something is coming up every weekend to bring her home.

Saren: where would I be without her? Well, for one thing I would probably be dead. One day I was having a horrible time breathing, in fact I could feel my life slipping away. But I knew that if I could just hold on until Saren got home from school, she would know what to do and would quickly and calmly two what needs to be done. She is finding many good friends at school and has found a "boyfriend" who was one of the nicest boys that I know in this area.

I am certain that we were led to live in this ward by the Spirit. So many people have been helpful to us and the bishop and state prison on men of God. We have been trying To Read In The Book Of Mormon each morning, although I must say that this is mostly a venture between Saren and Tawnya as it is very hard for me to wake up and stay awake at that time of day. But each day we picked a certain scripture and try to see if we can live that scripture. Just this simple practice has brought me closer to Jesus Christ and to my family. I can feel the tide of our family is changing and we are turning our hearts toward the Light.

Big update on blog--October 3, 2008

2008-10-03T11:29:00.000-07:00

I have a lot to update so if you care to read, sit back and hopefully enjoy! I have been in and out of hospital twice since update. What seems to be happening is that I breathe too shallow at night time and seem to retain too much carbon dioxide which makes my blood too acidic, which would explain the absence Of vampires, causing my mind to feel like I am out of breath because I cannot expel my carbon dioxide then I do not breathe deep enough to get enough oxygen to my brain and my blood pressure quickly goes down. Both times the ambulance picked me up, my blood pressure was somewhere near 60/40, which, needless to say scared the ambulance drivers and the ER doctors! I was treated both times for pneumonia and only the second time in the doctors thought to take my blood gas readings. This of course helped them put me on the right medication. In the meantime, I also have two major pressure ulcers on my rear end which caused them to put me on total bed rest. After a couple of days of this, I became quite discouraged thinking that the majority of the rest of my life would be spent in bed. The next morning, I awoke with a different attitude. I decided that if I was going to spend the balance of my life in bed or in the hospital's that I still had the gift of a good mind(of course, many would contend that I never had that to begin with), and I am determined to you is that mind in the service of the Lord for the rest of my life. So, since I can't do that just sleeping and idely watching TV all day. Of course, someday I will get a job, but judging by the past two weeks, I am not strong enough for that.

So what I decided, was to make my computer work for me in bed or out of bed. It is a bit harder in bed because I have to talk to my computer a lot more to move the cursor then when I am setting up. So to accomplish this(sitting up in my chair more) my chair needed to be evaluated to see what was causing the pressure sores. I was blessed to get an immediate consultation with Dr. Leininger who was booked out for two months, but then the nurse call me and asked if I could come the next day because he had a cancellation! What I did not factor and was that thy head not been up in my chair for over two weeks. What a struggle! But we got through it (with the wonderful help of my sons Seth) and the Dr. Prescribed me a seat cushion with two is all jell. He also looked on the that when I take pressure relief breaks, I need to sit back all the way not just part of the way or fit up all of the way. Setting up all of the way will take some exercising because I quickly lose our oxygen to the brain.

On my second trip to the hospital, I had a very spiritual experience. Tawnya had a meeting to go to and put the cannula on my nose before she left. She also put in the DVD of the play " Rent". I had never seen this DVD or the play before nor had anyone ever told me what it was about. The new the main theme song, "Days of Our Love" but had no idea what context it was sung in. The play was fascinating and I was following along and listening with my heart. But somewhere near the middle, I started to have feelings of shortness of breath. It quickly got worse and I fell like I was going to throw up. It was so bad that I began to wonder if I would die. Having the play on, that even if I couldn't pay attention, had a great calming effect on me and led to my first spiritual experience which I will keep to myself. When the play ended I found myself still alive and listening to you the constant replying of a stanza from the theme song. Each time it ended, I would cry out, "Help". I knew that if I could just keep myself going until Saren arrived home, she would do what I needed to save my life. I send a short prayer to let Heavenly Father know that I would prefer to live on but that I was willing to accept His will. Send did arrive home from school and just as I had thought, she became my angel and ate everything necessary to get me to the hospital. And she did it in a very calm and helpful way. I wondered if she will become a doctors someday. She certainly blessed my life that day.

I believe that Saren in turn received her own blessing that they, but time will tell. I am grateful for the great and mighty lawn of the Lord on my behalf as well as I am very grateful for Saren, Tawnya, who cut her workday short to sit with me in the ER (which always given me great comfort), and the rest of my family. Well I have the hospital, I had a wonderful experience with my Bishop Edwards who found a way to answer my prayers, my questions, and encouraged me if his wise words and answers to my questions.

I am going to keep the words about my children's blessings shorter as each of them seem to have their own blogs or face books by now. My hope is that they will recognize and record their own blessings. I will try to adjust my layout to include links to their lives and I invite you to read about their lives and blessings as well.

Saren: Tawnya went to our last conferences and all of her to teachers complemented her greatly and expressed their excitement at having her in their classes. She has also made many new friends and has been able to keep her old friends. She is being very faithful about the gospel and is a wonderful young woman. Last week, her young women's leader called and invited her to go to the temple. She was ready and had left in 10 minutes! I am glad that she is here with us.

Hannah: just got an a minus on a sociology paper and is very excited about her college experience. I hope she is keeping track of her blessings because there are way too many for me to remember. All I can say is that she has been highly blessed and I attribute this to her righteousness. She seems to keep most of her life on Facebook if you want to find her there.

Curtis: I have not heard or talk to him in sometime. I know he is quite busy and from what I hear from others he is doing very well. He also spends most of his time on Facebook.

Brianna and Eric: both are becoming great and loving and nurturing parents. I love to watch them the parents. Taylor Layne is growing into a beautiful little curl. My heart aches to not be able to touch her or hold her. I hope she can feel how much I love her. I will try and I will pray until I find a way to communicate my love to her so that she feels it. I'm sorry that things are the way they are with Gimpa, but I promise you that I will hold you and make up for our lost time in this mortal life after the resurrection.

Seth and Jackie: Jackie was able to get a new job as a teacher in Jordan school district and can possibly earn her teaching certificate if she would like to. She has a very tough class, but I know that Jackie will be a blessing to them for all their lives and they also will bless her life. That is the nature and the outcome of struggle if one will allow it.

Tawnya: she has been doing a wonderful job helping me on her days off. I feel as if our relationship is a plant that has two completely separate and distinct flowers. These flowers look very different but both are of exquisite beauty. Living program We are now beginning to see the unfolding of the second flower. Tawnya got a promotion at work. She is now the coordinator of the transitional living program at CFC. She will be able to bless many women's lives in this position. But it is only the tip of the iceberg as for what she will do in this life. I am very excited for her (although I miss her a lot when she is not here.) But when I think about my sacrifice of having time with her as compared to the lives of the women and families she blesses, my sacrifices seem small and well worth it and thinking of Heavenly Father's economy.

My heart is full of gratitude -- August 29 2008

2008-08-29T18:09:00.000-07:00

Today has been a very wonderful and interesting day for me. I miss Tawnya a lot today and have thought a lot about her sacrifices and everyone else's sacrifices and willingness to help me. I had a friend to visit me today. His name is Ben Bingham. He keeps his hair long and neat and has a long wiry beard. At first glance, many would judge him as one of the homeless. I met him through one of the meetings that I attended for members of Central Utah Committee for Independent Living. We have had many opportunities to get together and enjoy each other's thoughts on a wide variety of subjects. He is very interested in forming a sustainable society that could advocate for the underappreciated of all kinds. He has made several attempts to gather such communities but they all seem to unravel to his dismay. We have talked about what components are important for a sustainable society of such the last few times we've spoken. This time when I asked him about what he thought the key components were for such a society, he said to me, identity. I have thought a lot about that today and have found that a common identity has been an important piece of many great societies. And as I think about identity, I can see that if we, as a human race, were to adopt and uphold an identity that submitted that we were all connected and that what ever we did affected each other, perhaps we would do less harm to each other. It seems though, that often sustainable societies are difficult unless there is some component of greed or personal gain to be had.

On a less theoretical side of things, Eric and Bree came over and picked up Saren and I this evening and we went to an open house for Seth and Jackie. It was marvelous evening that we all enjoyed. Their new apartment is very pretty. They have done a great job with the painting and the decoration of the apartment. And Jackie has filled the walls with much of her artwork which is quite good. I was very impressed and we all had a wonderful evening.

Hannah also came home this weekend for Labor Day weekend. We did not expect to see her so soon but she got a ride with some classmates. It was great to see her again and catch up on all of her news. I could see that even in the last two weeks she has grown tremendously. College will be a great blessing and challenge for her.

Jackie got a job as a first grade teacher this week. What a tremendous blessing for her and the children she will teach. Seth had an ingenious idea to buy a Google ad for the company he wants to go to work for. It got in another interview and another step closer.

I need to close this entry because it is now a week later and the blessings seemed to be coming faster than I can blog them!

Many blessings --- week ending August 23, 2008

2008-08-23T16:48:00.000-07:00

There have been many blessings in my life and the lives of my children recently that it has been hard to keep up with them each day. We have recently moved out of our apartment into the new house. We were very fortunate to find a house that we lie, that accommodated my wheelchair, and that fit into our budget. We looked at several houses that fit into your budget but would require substantial remodeling to accommodate my wheelchair. Then we found a house that has a built-in cement ramp and a large floorplan that is perfect for my wheelchair. The home is about 3000 square ft. Which is the largest home I think we have ever lived in. There is one master bedroom upstairs with two bathrooms upstairs which is perfect because Tawnya can hands the master bathroom all to herself. It has a nice garden tub, a shower, and the toilet is in the room of its own. The master bedroom is quite large and plenty of room for my lift and wheelchair and also has a large walk-in closet which is also perfect for Tawnya! She does allow me to keep my shoes in there (two pairs) and one hangar with my white shirt on it. The downstairs (which I cannot get to) has two large bedrooms, a bathroom, and a large family room. This is perfect for our children. And now that Hannah has left for school, Tawnya can sleep downstairs on those nights when she can't sleep because of my snoring or sleep talking. There is also a member walk-in closet downstairs which Tawnya has claimed also! The lawn is small and we have a young man from our ward mow it each week. The air conditioning upstairs failed eight few days after we moved in, but we were able to call in the favor from the old maintenance person at the apartments where we lived. Saren was sad at first that she would not be going to her old school, but after a week of her new school, she seems to like it just fine. The church is about a block away and we have a very stable word that has kept the same boundaries (two blocks square) for the last 30 years.

This week Tawnya took down to Southern Utah University to start school. Starting out is always a bit rocky, but she has been blessed by finding a school that is good for her and where she can make good friends. The move went just fine except that are Van overheated on the way back. Hannah has called a couple of times and is very excited about her new life. She joined the Asian club as well as the motorcycle club! What a sweet girl.

Last Saturday was Brianna's birthday. There are so many wonderful things to say about her in ways that she has blessed our life that I am going to write a separate tribute for her in the upcoming days.

I interviewed this week for a position at The Generations Network in the call center. The Generations Network has several computer programs and online genealogy data which helps people around the world to do their genealogy. I had been encouraged by my previous state president to apply their twice and as it turns out the hiring manager is the brother-in-law of Josh my old roommate at Trinity Mission here in town. He was very excited to interview me and quickly offered me a job. Of course, I have a lot have computer and call-center skills from life and from my previous job At Group Health. At first, my vocational counselor said that she would have to drop my case if I went to work there. But after we talked and she understood that this job may only be temporary, that I am only going to do it part-time, and that I am still very interested in finding a position as a therapist, she decided to retain me as a client. This is a great blessing, because they have many resources to help me get back to work. And they are the ones who remodeled are Van so that I could sit in it with my wheelchair. I am very grateful for the resources and kindness of the people of this state to help me get back to work. I am very excited about this new job because I really enjoy genealogy work, not many other people in my family enjoy it or are doing it as I am, I'm excited about helping other people to genealogy, and my spirit feels as if somehow this is something the Lord wants me to do so that I will have experience for the future. For what I do not know, but it just feels right.

Jackie went on an interview this week for a position as a kindergarten teacher. Her in Seth have a nice apartment in Jordan and this is the school district with which she interviewed. She is very excited about the prospects of being a teacher and I believe that she would be a wonderful teacher. This is a great blessing and their lives

Tawnya has been helping me out during the days and it has been a great blessing for us as we have been growing closer together. B and Taylor Layne came on Friday and helped me. I have been reading this week In the Book of Mormon about the stripling lawyers and the great influence their mothers had upon them. And as I look out my bedroom window I see the strength of the great Wasatch Mountains to the east of me and think about how powerful the forces must have been to form their great strength. I am and always will grateful for the righteousness and example that Tawnya has shown forth to nurture our children to be adults of great strength, courage, faith, and charity. I have watched and admired her over the years day by day nurturing our children. In one generation, she has turned the hearts of our children and our family into one the desires righteousness and lives of their lives by such.

A tribute to my son Curtis Atkisson

2008-08-14T15:11:00.000-07:00

I was just kicked back in my chair for an afternoon nap. While napping, I was listening to a medley of songs that my son Curtis had gotten me for my birthday. It is the most amazing collection of music that I believe I have ever acquired. It seems that every song I listen to reminds me of Curtis and sings straight to my heart. As I watch my children grow older, I notice pieces of myself in each of them and I marvel. Each of my children are tender and kind, correct but I believe has these qualities in spades. Even though he lives so far away, I feel him very close to my heart almost daily. Curtis has the distinction of being the exact middle child of our children and as such has worked to make a unique role for himself. For many, such work may have distanced them from the family. But not so for Curtis. He has a very strong sense of and appreciation for his family. He is a joy to be around because he seems to be perennially happy. He laughs the loudest of all of us and finds humor and even the most simplest of things. I love to watch TV shows or movies with him because his laughs are so infectious that it makes the time twice as fun. He has a zest and a passion for life that comes out and everything that he does. I will forever be grateful that he cut his dreams short in NYC to come home and be with me right after my accident. He has spent many long days and nights with me in the hospital and has encouraged me to get help on several occasions which I am sure has saved my life. Even at a very young age he was incredibly smart and it has always been a real challenge to keep up with his intellect. He has a very adventurous spirit which has taken him to Thailand and to New York. In this he has also shown a great deal of courage. Perhaps one of the greatest qualities that Curtis possesses his integrity. He is as true to his ideals and beliefs as anyone I know. He has always stood up for the underprivileged and those who do not have a voice in our society. And he was young, like five or six, he became aware of a women's shelter in our town that needed assistance. If there was one thing that he knew absolutely raked in the money, there was a garage sale. So he organized everybody at church to donate their garage sale type items and we held a bazaar! If memory serves me right, we made over $2000 which was donated to the shelter. Tawnya and I used to always tell him that he should be an attorney or politician, but he claimed that these occupations were too corrupt for him.

There are many more things which I could say as a tribute for Curtis, but his book is mostly still unwritten so I will save some more for a later date. Thank you Curtis for being part of my life that has helped me grow closer to Jesus Christ.

Some thoughts on Agency

2008-08-13T14:36:00.000-07:00

Today I was reading in The Book Of Mormon in Alma whereAlma and Amulek were speaking about the plan of redemption and salvation. These particular chapters are very important to me as I consider my own resurrection. I look forward to the resurrection of the body with immense anticipation, faith, hope, and gratitude. I was talking with Tawnya the other night which of the five senses would be the hardest to lose. So far, I have only lost the majority of one (a sense of touch). Even though I haven't lost the use of any of my other senses, I believe that the loss of the sense of touch is still the worst. While still a great loss, it seems to me that the loss of the any of the other senses can be compensated for by enhancing another sense (except for perhaps the sense of smell). I'm long for and miss how my children feel when we hug. I miss how my wife feels. I long for just even a moment to feel the soft skin of our new granddaughter. For these reasons and many more, I await the resurrection. I suspect that I will not be resurrected unto perfection immediately, because that seems to bowl against the true physical order of things. But I do expect and hope that I will be restored unto a perfect body at some point. I used to think that the only part of my body that would need to be restored was the hair on my head. I must say though that I am learning how to compensate for the sense of feel in other ways.

I joke about the tree that I fell from as being the "tree of good and evil". Today as I was reading, I thought that that might be more accurate than I've believed. A doctrinal commentary on The Book Of Mormon mentions that agency is "largely a product of knowledge and understanding" and that we can broaden our understanding of the plan of salvation doing this lifetime. This leads me to postulate that perhaps agency is more dynamic than static. Or perhaps it would be better to say that the consequences of our agency is dynamic. As we come to know and understand more from our life experiences and from others, and we become more enlightened about the atonement and the plan of salvation, the consequence (whether good or bad) changes. Perhaps, that is why we are expressly commanded not to judge one another but only to forgive.

I would welcome any comments on the above.

May each of my family be blessed in this day.

OK: I am way behind an I know it but here goes…

2008-08-12T16:59:00.000-07:00

First of all, in this day and age everyone has a blog (even my daughter who is 12 has at least two blogs that I know of!) I would like to encourage my children who have blogs to consider including in their blogs comments about blessings they have received and the other activities that help them gain a greater understanding and relationship with Jesus Christ. I will put links to their blogs on this blog (as soon as I figure out the technical stuff) so hopefully we won't be duplicating each other. Sometimes though, a different perspective can help gain an even greater understanding.

Second of all, I am grateful for those who do read this blog. Some of you I do not have contact information for you, so if you would be so kind and e-mail me with your info, I can put a link to your blog here (only if you want me to) or at least I can drop you a note to say hi and thanks.

Since my last entry, my family and I have received numerous blessings from Heavenly Father that have helped me to grow closer to Him and Jesus Christ. Tawnya was growing quite tired of the paperwork she had to do for her job as an apartment manager. She wanted to end that job and dedicate herself to her job at CFC and being a grandmother (she likes to be called " Mimi"). But since her job as an apartment manager included our apartment rent as part of the package, she was concerned about not being able to find another place for us to live. Well, one day it out of the blue, her manager shows up and offers her a job and a much larger complex. Either she had to accept this new offer th or quit altogether. The decision was easy for her. We talked and prayed about the decision and quitting all together for seemed the right thing to do.

After quitting, everything just seemed to to fall into place. She is able to pick up more hours at CFC and she found a wonderful house in Orem for us. It even has a cement ramp in the garage for me. And the house has a very open and accessible floor plan that works well for me. The owner said she had been praying that her home could be rented to a family where the home would be a blessing to them! All of our children and our word gathered together and moved us in less than a week! Of course, it was stressful, but it seemed to work out really smoothly. At the same time, Jackie and Seth, who had been staying with us, found a beautiful apartment for themselves. The house we have is larger th then any house we have ever lived in. Saren is so excited because once Hannah goes off to college, she will have the entire basement two herself! Of course, Tawnya has ideas about setting up " Mimi's Room" as a place where she can hang out with our grandchildren (really she just needs some space for herself and a place where she can go to sleep and escape my snoring and sleep talking!) We have attended our new ward which consists of about five square blocks. All of the congregation that I meant seemed quite kind and desirous to help us where they can. We have a great view of Mt. Timpanagos out our bedroom window. A beautiful park and the church is within two blocks of our house. Both Tawnya and I feel very content here and hope for the week and stay put for awhile.

As for my health, my pressure sores come and go without much trouble. The surgery on my back became infected for a while, but seems to be healing without infection now. I had laser surgery done on my left eye to cauterize some broken vessels that were dumping blood into my vitreous fluid and clouding my site. The surgery seemed to help a little bit that there remains some concern is about the longer term prognosis of this eye. I have received a wonderful blessing from Seth and Eric is and I am faithful that the Lords will be done in this regard.

Our van was remodeled so that I could drive up into the back of the van and sit straight up in the middle seat area of the van. It was sen off to Minnesota a couple of months ago and we just got it back! Eric and the local auto body mechanic helped install a winch so that Tawnya could put me in the van and get me out again on her own. It works perfectly (after some exciting practice on our parts)! Now I am not tied to the bus system and I can even go up in to the mountains or one other trips. This is a huge blessing for me and our family.

Now for my last comment today, I have saved the best blessing of all. On this last August 5, 2008 Tawnya and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful soul mate and companion. I could never have found her on my own. It's has been revealed to me on many occasions that the Spirit helped us to find each other and has blessed us all these years to be able to work out our challenges and not let them divide us. Tawnya has traveled with me through "the valley of the shadow of death" many times. And each time she has done so, it has been with great wisdom and charity. Th I am alive because of her and hope to live worthy of her eternal companionship. The blessings I have received from her and because of our relationship are truly innumerable and I do not have the correct language to speak of them.

Long-overdue update on my journey

2008-07-07T15:56:00.000-07:00

Note: I have much to update about all of the other members of my family, but if I do that, I will never get to what has been going on for me and my journey. Many of my children now have their own blogs and I will be linking to theirs soon so I can keep this one mostly for my own journey and notes.

So many things have happened for me and my life has been so richly blessed since my last entry that I don't even know where to start. During the month of March, I continue to battle a serious infection in a pressure wound on the lateral side of my right tibia. The pressure seemed to be coming from the lateral side of my tibia. Week after week, the sore continued to get worse and my doctors were quite concerned. I had surgery on the sore to clean it out, to take biopsies, and to shave off part of the bone. In my estimation, the surgery was unsuccessful and the surgeon promptly left town. But the day of his leaving, he prescribed to me a very strong antibiotic called Zyvox. The antibiotic reacted adversely with some other medication that I was taking and I ended up experiencing what is known as "serotonin syndrome". I was awake for three days straight with hallucinations, extreme agitation, paranoia, and what I described as a "continuous anxiety attack". The only thing the doctors could suggest was that I wait for the toxicity to work its way through my body. Despite the extreme pain, I was given an insight into the atonement which I would have never had any other way. My suffering, which was just a small part of what the Savior must have felt when "bleeding from every pore", was certainly enough for me to wish that I were dead to this life. It was a very spiritual experience that in retrospect I will be eternally grateful for.

The next Sunday, a High Court disciplinary counsel convened on my behalf. Throughout the proceedings, I felt engulfed in the Savior's love and atonement. And beyond the words for which I have to express, I found great relief and joy and support with Tawnya at my side. It was and remains so important to me to know that she forgives me. I know that I will spend the rest of my life in repentance and trying to regain Tawnya is love, but I have felt for a few weeks now that it is time for me to go back to work in the kingdom of God here upon the earth. I am very grateful for the inspiration of our stake president to reconvene this Council. After many expressions of love including that of Tawnya's, it was the will of our father in heaven spoken through his servant our stake president that I should be baptized! Such exquisite joy came to my heart and I was glad that I had not died but a few days prior.

After some prayer and thought, I decided to be rebaptized on April 6, 2008. This would be two weeks away, conference Sunday, the day we celebrate the birth of the Savior, and give me enough time to contact my friends and family to assist. It was the baptism on like any other that I have seen. I chose Eric Taylor, Paul Taylor, Bill Lawrence and, and Brent Hope to carry me down into the water. All were dressed in white as was my son Aaron Seth Atkisson who I had chosen to baptize me. You should Smith and my high priests group leader Scott Phillips were the witnesses. All who were close to me from here attended the ceremony which was very short and sweet. I was dressed in white earlier in the morning when I got up and all of my sores were wrapped in sealed. All five of my brethren lifted me from my chair and carried me down into the font. The width of the font steps is not quite wide enough for even to to walk abreast. I do remember that my strong friend Brent Hope grabbed me from behind and took most of the weight. Once in the baptismal font, I was laying almost prone on my white sheet. Seth stood behind me, roses right hand to the square, and pronounce the baptismal prayer. (This was the first time I had been completely immersed underwater since my accident!) Once back in the dressing room, I was laid upon the church table and my trusty aide Adrien dried me off and redressed me. Back in the baptismal room, saying a beautiful rendition of "Lead Kindly Light". She sounded like an angel. Then all of the Melchizedek priesthood holders in the room laid their hands upon me and Eric Nelson confirmed me a member of the church and gave me the gift of the Holy Ghost. The beautiful piece of reassurance flooded my body during the prayer. Bishop Smith and my high priests group leader Scott Phillips witness the baptism. The closing prayer was given by Saren. We saying our families can be together forever. I was very grateful for all of those who attended, particularly Tawnya who had to ask especially to get time off. I pray that all felt the spirit as strongly as I did.

I have much more to say, but need to close for the moment and publish before I go to my daily habit of doctors appointments!

My Journey -- March 5 and 6, 2008

2008-03-07T10:31:00.000-08:00

My journey toward Christ: I have decided to change the order of my topics because I want to make my journey toward Christ the most important and primary focus of my life. I was reading today in 1 Nephi 13: 37 and I found a Scripture that I hope can apply to me. It says those who publish peace and glad tidings of joy shall be beautiful upon the mountains. So I figure, that the chances of me serving a mission in my retirement as I had hoped probably are not that good. So through this blog I can publish peace and glad tidings of great joy. Most certainly, today, I feel to mention my gratefulness for the atonement and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Both of these acts give me great hope and joy. I am grateful I have had the experiences of this mortal life which give me gratitude and a testimony of the atonement and resurrection.

Journal: well I made it through surgery okay! They did not put me under general anesthetic, but were able to perform the procedures under local anesthetic and then IV drip that slightly shaded my reality and kept my body from spasms. I talked with the surgeon throughout the surgery. He removed a piece of the head of the tibia and took a culture of the bone marrow. He also debreeded the wound and the bone. His incision must not have been very large for he decided to not give me any sutures. I will know the results of the cultures in five days. I will also be getting a wound vacuum to continuously drain the wound and bring blood to the site. I stayed in bed all day yesterday to let my body recover. I was extremely boring so I am glad to be up in my wheelchair today. He leanness wound and containing the MRSA will take several weeks of IV therapy with vancomycin and use of the wound vacuum. I am very grateful for Tawnya who willingly starts and stops my IV therapy every day. It is a process that takes from 15 minutes to half an hour. Tawnya and Saren went thrift store shopping last night and were gone for several hours. Of course this is easy for them to do in a thrift store! They had fun together and were able to get some great deals. I know that my disability requires time out to of all of my children's and Tawnya's life. They have all really stepped up and fulfilled that demand in a gracious way and my heart is filled with gratitude toward them. But I want all of them to also live a normal, full, happy, and exciting life. As for me, I am happy to write, read, and take my rolls to the Park and to the cemetery. Tawnya harbors no resentment that I do not contribute to our finances or toward the chores around the house. I feel our relationship is growing in a different way than it was before. What I hope is that we can culture a relationship or both of us want to be with each other eternally. Yesterday, I spent a lot of time home by myself. This is something new for me. Prior to the accident, I spent little more than just sleeping time at home and almost always with someone else there. Through recovery in the hospitals and nursing homes, someone was always there. It struck me that soon Hannah will be off to school, Saren will be busy with her friends and school activities etc., and Tawnya will be busy with work and her life. So I need to set things up so I can be home or out by myself and be happy. This is my choice. This is my effort and test to see if I can endure my tribulation well. I am up for the challenge with a smile.

My Journey -- March 1 and 2nd, 2008

2008-03-04T13:53:00.000-08:00

Journal: yesterday afternoon Tawnya came home from the office very sick with flulike symptoms. She said it was a bit different though, because the headache started right in the middle of the top of her head. And the room was spinning around so she laid her head down on the desk and then had to go to the bathroom and vomit several times. She came home and climbed into bed and arrested throughout the afternoon and evening. By nighttime her appetite was back so she ate some ice cream and dinner. We both went to sleep pretty early and she got a pretty good night's sleep. She feels 100% better today.

As she left out the door this afternoon for her second job, working at CFC, I was quite distraught. I do miss her when she is gone, but it was more than that. After she gets off tonight at 11 or 12, she is going to go to Wal-Mart because we have ran out of much around here. After she left, I just sat and listened to music. I am so grateful, beyond what my words are able to describe, for what Tawnya does. But I feel really sad that I am not contributing to this family but rather seem to just be taking up resources and in many cases holding Tawnya and the children back from what they truly could do or experience because of all that it takes just to maintain me. I hope that the Lord will except me back into his kingdom and I can have my blessings restored. Beyond that, I will be happy when I am released from this cocoon and the my family can move ahead. May I be able to endure well the balance of my mortality.

Hannah and Saren are just becoming beautiful women. Hannah went to her audition for college on Saturday past and did quite well. She was accepted into the music program at SUU and will be considered for scholarships. She pretty much goes and comes as she pleases now. But she makes some very righteous decisions. Even if she is late coming home, she still gets up early the next morning to make seminary. Last night, Hannah brought home the original version of "pride and prejudice and made her mother and I watch it with her. She was supposed to have read the book for one of her classes, which she has done before, but she wanted to see the movie to refresh her memory. I almost stayed awake through all of it! It seemed that all they would do is go to dances and exchange smiles, stairs, and glares with each other! Saren brought us her math test which her teacher let her bring home and let us take a look at it to see if the answers were right. She is working on geometry right now. She had every answer right! I am enjoying watching her. It seemed that after her 12th birthday, going into Young Women's, and getting ear rings she has just blossomed into Young women ways. I am so proud of both of them for making such wonderful decisions and being there for me now and before when I was a ways off stumbling in the mists.

Journey toward Christ: Hannah read to me an insert which was included in this month's Church magazines. The insert is a tribute to President Hinckley. As all prophets, he was a wonderful man. But for me he held something more. He was a great example of unconditional love. He was a great leader. And he exemplified the qualities of Jesus Christ. What a great example he was for me to reach toward.

I was reading today and first Nephi Chapter 13. Two versus really stood out to me. They are verses 26 and 27: for behold, they have etaken away from the gospel of the Lamb many parts which are fplain and most precious; and also many covenants of the Lord have they taken away.
27 And all this have they done that they might pervert the right ways of the Lord, that they might blind the eyes and harden the hearts of the children of men.

I know that The Book of Mormon contains many of the plain and most precious principles of the gospel. And I also know that it is through the priesthood in the Church and Temple that we establish many covenants with the Lord. Now I know that this Scripture implicated the great an abominable church of defiling these plain and precious truths and covenants. But if we are to apply The Book of Mormon to our own lives, I find an application to my life and perhaps to the lives of my children from this verse. Before I strayed from the straight and narrow path, I and my family had stopped reading The Book of Mormon as we had before. So I wasn't keeping myself updated on the plain and precious truths of the gospel. In addition to this, I had not been attending the Temple on a regular basis and thereby lost touch with some of the most beautiful covenants available to me in this life. The mists got thicker and thicker and I stumbled. I am grateful for my testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ, which I maintained in my heart throughout this journey in the mist. I am also grateful for my children and Tawnya who hung in there even when I didn't. That speaks volumes for them alone. Anyway, I am working on bringing those plain and precious truths back into my life as well as the covenants so I can take another shot at the ring!

Side Note: I am a bit concerned about my surgery tomorrow. Seth and Eric are coming over tonight to give me a blessing. I pray that the Lord will honor is righteous priesthood holders and that my faith can be strengthened in the gaps filled by grace.

My Journey -- March 1, 2008

2008-03-02T15:51:00.000-08:00

Today's Journal: today has been a wonderful day for me. I woke without pain and spent the first hour talking with Tawnya before she went to work. Then I fell back asleep and didn't awake until Seth was sitting at my bedside. He had come to start my IV. I had him turn on KBYU because I thought maybe music and the spoken word and would be on soon. Instead there was a roundtable discussion with professors of religion at BYU. Their topic was section 121 Of the Doctrine and Covenants. I have been to see the liberty Jail and I have stood and slept in the harsh winter cold of Missouri. I can only begin to imagine what the Prophet Joseph a most have felt. I love dearly the reply from the Savior in verse seven: "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;" That made me think a lot about my of afflictions. Even if I make it through another 20 years, that will be but a very small moment of my eternity. But then in verse eight the Lord tells us what the purpose of afflictions are and how we may gain from them, "and if thou aendure it well, God shall exalt thee on high;" Now, they really had my attention! I thought about how I have endured my afflictions and I'm not quite so sure that I have endured them well. I shall begin today to strive to endure my afflictions well and learn what they have to give me.

After getting up, the girls helped me get ready and we were out the door to church. Both Hannah and Saren gave beautiful testimonies of the gospel and expressed love for their family. Hannah, with all her depth of knowledge and wisdom, gave a sweet testimony about how simple the gospel really is. Of course, I cried through both testimonies. In fact, I cried through most of sacrament. After sacrament, I had the wonderful experience of meeting with our new stake president, President Haney. I felt to this heart and of his great love. We talked about repentance and aware I've thought that I was. He asked me if I was ready to move on and be rebaptized. I told him that I thought that I was and I hope that I am. I do truly feel that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite. I miss the Holy Ghost and I long to have the priesthood back to bless my family. President Haney said that he could feel that I was ready and that I would soon receive a letter inviting me to a high Council disciplinary council to reconvene to consider the Lord's will regarding my reentry into the church. This decision of mine to be rebaptized right now has been carefully thought about and pondered upon, certainly as much or more than my first baptism. I am so sorry to my wife and children for the things I have done that have hurt them, angered them, or cause them any doubt of their testimonies. I hope that they can forgive me and let me try again. I won't have as long, but I feel that my intentions to do the best I can and and to keep the Commandments are much stronger and based upon the hope and faith in the atonement. So my hope is that I can have all of my blessings return and continue and mortality long enough to endure my trials well and to give back to my wife and children what I have took from them and perhaps add more. I have no greater desire Benson kneel before the Savior with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, yet worthy to live with my wife and children forever.

My Journey toward Christ: the new issue of the Ensign is all about Christ and His role in our life. I have only read the first article which is a sweet and strong testimony (his last) from President Hinckley. A couple of quotes that I would like to comment on: "Yet He suffered His own life to be taken in an act of atonement, the magnitude of which is beyond our comprehension." Over the last few years I have gained some deeper comprehension of the atonement of Jesus Christ but surely I have a long ways to go if President Hinckley says it is beyond our comprehension. I know that He atoned for our sins and that even my sins must have weighed heavily upon Him. I am so grateful for his kindness, courage, willingness, strength, and grace to perform this supreme act. My heart certainly is filled with gratitude as I think about this. But I hope that my comprehension, spiritual understanding, and gratitude continue to grow so that I may honor the atonement better and be granted more of its application in my life. Another quote: "In sunshine and the in the shadow we look to Him, and He is there to assure and smile upon us." This is also something that I have a great testimony of. The Savior has unconditional love for each of us and I have felt His Spirit in both sunshine and in shadow. There is great value in both and I am very grateful that he loves us enough to travel with us. I've witnessed many days of "sunshine" as my children have each been born and each time I felt His presence. I have also traveled through the "Valley of the shadow of death" several times (some of which I have not told any of you) and again I have felt His presence each time whether I chose to walk through the valley or the Valley chose me it made no difference to His unconditional love.

My Journey -- February 29, 2008

2008-02-29T17:51:00.000-08:00

Journal: welcome to leap year! It has been a few days since I've posted and I shall attempt to explain. I have had an ongoing pressure sore on the outside of my right knee for many months now without seeming to improve. So my home health nurse referred me to the wound clinic at the hospital. After two visits, I finally got to see a doctor on the third visit. The doctor was quick to act, drew a culture, sent me for an MRI and x-rays. The culture revealed that I had a staff infection known as MRSA. The doctor prescribed vancomycin which is a strong antibiotic. He scheduled me for a consultation with an orthopedic surgeon. I spent two days in bed trying to rest and let the vancomycin get a good start. The third morning, I woke up without any pain in my behind and legs which for the previous month or so has been unbearable at times. So it seems that the antibiotic had some effect. My home health nurse visited me yesterday to change my dressing and told me that my wound had improved 100% and that fresh tissue was finally growing back. My trip to the orthopedic surgeon was both positive and concerning for me. He said that the wound looked good and healing and suggested a continued regimen of vancomycin. Then he told me that he would schedule me for surgery next week to remove part of the head of the tibia which is the bone closest to the wound. He was concerned that maybe the bone may have been infected and doesn't want to take any chance that it would move into my knee, which would result in amputation of my leg. So during surgery, the surgeon is going to determine the extent of the infection, if the bone has been compromised, take-out bone that has been infected, and if the bone shows considerable infection will make a window in the bone so they can take a culture from my bone marrow to see if it has been infected. He said that I would probably need a wound vacuum device after her surgery for a while and that I would continue on vancomycin for four to six weeks. So for now, it seems that my wound is on the mend and that we caught the MRSA in time. But life, each breath we breathe is fragile and not at our will. I give thanks each day for my life and the health that I and my family have.

Moving toward Christ: I don't know that there is much to write at this point that is of great difference than the last time I wrote. I have had the pleasure of having many spiritual prayers with my family and have spent a great deal of time gazing at Jackie's beautiful drawing of Christ. I feel His influence in my life and am seeking to emulate Him in the ways that I can do so in this mortal life. That is pretty much a full-time job for me! That is to say it does not come natural. I have set an appointment to meet the new stake president and my own prayers have brought me closer to what I imagine a broken heart and contrite spirit is. I am ready to move ahead with respect to the process of repentance, re-baptism, and receiving my blessings back. I miss the gift of the Holy Ghost greatly and I miss having the priesthood to bless my family. I have a long ways to grow and to go so that I will be worthy of being with my family forever. But this is my hearts greatest desire and I hope that in the short time I have left that I can do all possible to move in that direction and then I can only rely upon grace. I suspect that no matter how long or short ones mortality is it is the same for everyone.

My Journey -- February 15, 2008

2008-02-15T11:56:00.000-08:00

Journal: yes I am a bit behind in my blog writing. A few things have happened in the past few days. Most notably, of course, yesterday was Valentine's Day! The day before I had spent most of the day rounding up a present and card for Tawnya. It would have taken anyone else maybe a half an hour, but it took me the better part of a day. I got her a massage package of four massages. When I went to get the card at the BYU bookstore, the aisles with cards were packed into small for me to get down so I recruited a clerk and just had her pick a card for me. I told Tawnya that anytime I get her a card from now on it will be like Valentine's Day because neither I nor her will know what it says until she opens it! Tawnya did the sweetest thing for me for Valentine's Day. The poem I wrote for her a couple of years ago, the Dogwood and the Oak, she had someone depict its words in a drawing and then is having the drawing matted and framed. It will really look great on our bedroom wall. Saren went over to Brianna and Eric's house for dinner and since it snowed and I couldn't get on a bus, Tawnya and I. had dinner here (pizza). Then Tawnya went to her first massage. Hannah is on a trip in California with her orchestra and singing choral group. We've had some cold and snowy weather the past few days, except today was beautifully sunny and I got outside for a roll. Saren didn't want to go to play practice today so she asked both Tawnya and I. if that was okay. Neither of us hands heard but told her that she was old enough to decide and to make it a matter of prayer. She told me, "dad, I pray for more important things than that." I told her that it would be good practice for her anyway and that I was not going to tell her one way or the other. It turns out, there was no practice at all anyway. Tawnya has been getting up early to read in The Book of Mormon with Saren and they are up to about 1 Nephi Chapter 11. I been trying to keep up with them each day. I'm going to save my spiritual comments for tomorrow because I am soon off to bed.

My Journey -- February 11, 2008

2008-02-11T18:09:00.000-08:00

Journal: I went to two doctors appointments today. The first was to look at the pressure sore I have on my knee. The doctor did not have time to see me and so the nurses did what they could. They debreeded the wound and repacked it and re-bandaged it. They are going to ask my nursing agency to send a nurse every other day and then they will see me once a week. I am very concerned about this sore and hope to have Eric and Seth give me a blessing on Wednesday. My other appointment was with Dr. Fernandes mostly just to get some prescriptions written which he did. He put me on a drug to work in combination with my other antidepressant and hopefully this will cut my pain and raise my level of cheerfulness a bit. Though I am convinced that if I really knew the Savior I wouldn't need the antidepressants at all. But I have a ways to go before I can do this. Not much else to say about today. Tawnya and Saren must be out somewhere because neither are here. Oh, they just walked in. They were at, imagine this, Wal-Mart buying valentines presents (several for a young man Saren seems to have an eye for named Porter).

Journey toward Christ: today in my reading 21 Days Closer to Christ, we were invited by the author to read the account of the disciples walking on the road Emmaus found in Luke 24:13 through 32. I wonder what it would have been like to be these true disciples. Certainly their lives were shaken by the crucifixion and subsequent resurrection of Jesus Christ. But at this point the accounts are that Jesus has only visited Mary Magdalene and Simon Peter. So I am sure that the other disciples wanted to see him, to see this miracle of resurrection. Contained within the Scriptures are some wonderful things to learn about Jesus Christ. One has to do with the resurrected body of Christ and the other has to do with the ways in which Jesus Christ speaks with us. As for the resurrection, we learned that our spirits will rejoin our body. We also learned that by this time Jesus had descended unto his Father to report. Because earlier he would not let Mary Magdalene touch him. So that suggests that there may be phases of the resurrection. We also learn that resurrected being can appear to mortals according to the necessity. We also on the resurrected beings can eat and drink of the same foods that we do. I'm not quite sure how this would work, but it does show that we are also resurrected with our internal organs such that we can metabolize food and water. In Jesus as case, it appears that he retained the scars from the crucifixion, although it is my understanding that our bodies will not retain their imperfections but that we will be raise to perfection. I am grateful for the accounts of the resurrected Christ in the Scriptures. They give me much hope for the future and resurrection. For all of us, surely that will be a glorious process but I feel that for many my heart's and body will be filled with gratitude and joy as I am able to touch and feel those who are close to me. I want to shake as many hands as I can and receive and give as many hugs as I can.

The other principle taught in this section is the principal of the different ways the Jesus Christ speaks with us. These are ways that I have yet to discover.

My Journey -- February 8, 2008

2008-02-08T16:43:00.000-08:00

Well, as for the journal part of my entry, here is what I can remember happened over the last few days. Seth has been here most days to help me and I have almost caught up on all my paperwork with his help. I am continuing to read several books simultaneously as well as the Ensign. I am learning a lot, but it seems to have only entered my head and not my heart. I say this because I got into an argument with Tawnya and I did not treat the situation with wisdom or as Christ would have me do. You would think after all I have been through, I could be much kinder. I really hope to reach a state of continual kindness, benevolence, charity, and equanimity. And certainly, I hope to have this with Tawnya and our children. I can't think of anyone more deserving of kindness and gratitude than Tawnya. I have a very bad pressure sore on my right knee area. It may be very close to the bone. My nurse who is a wound care specialist thinks it would be best for me to go to the wound clinic. So I will be going on Monday and hopefully they can get this wound healing. I believe I will get a blessing on Sunday. Today, even though the temperature was about 20°, the sun was out so I went for a long roll in the cemetery. It really felt great! I am writing this on a Friday evening and it just so happens that I am here by myself. I feel just a bit lonely, but I also feel happy just to be!

Today in in my reading of 21 Days Closer to Christ, the author wrote about the story of Mary Magdalene outside of the tomb of Jesus when she thought someone stolen his body. She went and got Peter and John to check it out. Once they left, Mary stayed at the tomb and was crying. Jesus appeared to her in his resurrected form and spoke with her. At first, she did not recognize Jesus but when He spoke her name she then recognize who He was. There have been many time in my life where I have been in deep sorrow or concern (or hurt and lying on the ground) where I have felt the presence of the Savior nearby. I am sure that there have also been many times where He was nearby and I did not recognize His presence. I do not know what His voice sounds like. I hope one day to know that. I also read today the account of Lehi's dream. I am always impressed when I read this account of how Lehi tasted of the fruits of The Tree of Life and the first thing he did was to search the landscape for his family and invite them to taste of the sweet fruit. I believe that Sariah was the first to join Lehi. And then followed his children that accepted his invitation. Now, we are told that the fruit on the tree represents the charity or love of Christ. I believe that I have tasted of that fruit before, but it has become misty now. I do wish to taste of it again and he remains close to the tree. Again, I feel that this fruit can be very near to us and available for us if we do our best and keep our hearts open to His love.

My Journey -- February 2, 2008

2008-02-02T17:41:00.000-08:00

I'll start with a little journals stuff today. I really didn't do a lot today, just kind of watched as everyone came and went. The sun was shining brightly this afternoon so I took a roll about to the park and soaked up the sun. It was a wonderful time to meditate and to pray. I gave thanks for the blessing of yesterday in the which mom and I were able to talk about many wonderful things. Sometimes, I don't know why she stays with me but I am grateful that she does. I would feel incomplete without her. But I have told her on many occasions that staying with me means a great sacrifice for her. I am grateful for that sacrifice and will try to provide as many opportunities for her to enjoy even if I can't participate. And if she finds that her life is lacking, the greatest gift I could give her (and I have told her many times that I would give her) is to let her go and find someone else that she can enjoy life with. But for some reason she stays and I am grateful. She seems to have been happy all day today. She woke up with the idea that she proposed to me that we take a train trip for Valentine's Day. But as she got to looking up the possibilities, she thought it might be more interesting for us to stay a night in Las Vegas and see a show. There are hotels there that have track systems in the ceiling that would lift me in and out of my chair and take me to the shower. I haven't had a shower for months (as anyone can tell who gets close to me) and this would be a wonderful experience, plus to go see a show. She wants to see a Cirque du Soleil show and I would like to also.

My mom sent a nice e-mail today. She seems to be getting along fine. She says she misses dad a lot but suspects that this will always be the case. Her finances were not that prepared for him to pass away, but with other members of the family living so close and what she does on eBay, I'm sure she'll make it. I'll try to do what I can to help also.

Okay, now on to my journey toward Christ. The reading today out to of 21 Days Closer to Christ, was the story about the rich young man wanted to do know from Christ what more he needed to do to get to heaven (Mark 10: 17 -- 22) and the story of the widows mite (Mark 12: 41 -- 44). A couple of comments about the story of the rich young man. One he is that the Scriptures say that Jesus loved this young man for his obedience and invited him to become a disciple. All he needed to do was to give up his riches to the poor. A couple of verses down (verse 24) Jesus says how difficult it is for those who trust in riches to enter the kingdom of heaven. Our trust must be in Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the ordinances of the gospel. It is easy to misplace where we actually have our trust. In this country, and certainly in our family, we have great riches. Do we worrying more about them than about our relationship with Jesus Christ? Certainly, riches can be put to good use in building of the kingdom. But, is that what I do? I think that things are changing in my life and my focus is changing more toward Jesus Christ, but I believe that I have a ways to go. Each day is a new opportunity to adjust the lands of our focus. Now in my reading of that Scripture, it does not say that riches are the problem, rather of that trusting in riches is the problem. I am grateful for those who did not trust in riches and helped to support me on my mission. Some of those who did so had less than I do right now. So, when I start making my own money again, I will work hard to keep my trust in focus upon the Savior and I can be helped in this quest by supporting a missionary or making substantial contributions to the fast offering fund or the perpetual education fund.

This story is closely related in seem to the story of the widows mite. I am always impressed with how observant Jesus Christ was. With so much going on in his life and others around him, he seemed to be able to take note of that which was most important and use it as an opportunity to teach. In the story of the widows mite, Jesus observes that there were many who came and made donations several of which were quite substantial. I know that that also happens today. But then Jesus noticed a widow (how he knew she was a widow I am not sure, but it does add flavor to the story) who contributed her last two mites. The point Jesus makes is that those who had contributed much contributed out to of their surplus, but the widow contributed out of her want. In other words, the widow did without because of her contribution while the others still enjoyed their level of lifestyle even though they contributed also. I wonder what the widow did without. Was that food for a day or for a week? Was a clothing for her or her children? In today's terms, we feel like we are doing without if we go without cable TV, cell phones, computers, CDs, DVDs, etc. our lives could be lift for much less before we would actually get down to our wants. I wonder if Jesus prayed for this widow after seeing her make her contribution. Certainly, the faith of the widow was extraordinary and her trust was well-placed. Indeed, there is much that I can do to abandon my trust in money and to give all the way through my surplus until I give even of my wants. I mean to ponder this carefully and find out what I can do. I remember and am touched by his story that comes from our Sun Curtis. When we toured a women's shelter, Curtis must have been around six or seven years old, he decided there must be some way that he could help these women. So he came up with the idea to have a grudge sale at the church and raise money. We raised several hundred dollars and donated it to the shelter. Now that is an example of pure charity mixed with thought and action. A great example for me to follow.

My Journey -- February 1, 2008

2008-02-01T11:13:00.000-08:00

I have a lot that I am thinking about this morning so this may be kind of lengthy.

First, today is Hannah's birthday. She is 18 today! While I remember each of our children's birth, I seem to remember Hannah's the most. We knew when she came through the birth canal that she would possibly be infected with beta strep. I don't remember exactly what the infection was called, but I do remember that her mother and I were very concerned. I don't remember if the labor was long or particularly painful for Tawnya. It seems to me that it was short. She was one of two children that we used a midwife for the birth. It seems to me that I remember that the midwife spent more time with Tawnya than I did. But because of the potential for infection, there were also many doctors involved. We had a name picked out for her. I don't remember what it was. After she was born, and there was determined that she had the infection, the doctors put her in ICU. She was in a plastic bubble of sorts! And to see her we had to put on hospital gowns and masks. We immediately gave her a blessing. It was a very serious situation. It was touch and go for several days. Her sweet and kind mother never left her side. After a few days, we felt like we should name her Hanna which meant A Gift from God. She did recover after a couple of weeks and we were able to take her home. Her and I share in common that we have both passed through the Valley of the shadow of death, but were kept alive by the grace of God. Hannah has always been a blessing to our family. It has seemed that even on my darkest days I could count on Hannah for a smile. She has been a particularly close friend these last few years after Seth, Brianna, and Curtis left home. Getting to know Hannah on a personal and individual level has been a delight for me. She has so many of the qualities of both her mom and I. So many of her qualities I highly admire and have learned from. She has and continues to teach me that it is okay to be alone and that one can find their own joy in this time. One day when I had hurt her feelings, I tried to say I was sorry. The moment the words came out of my mouth, she knew they did not come from my heart and she rejected the apology. She has a very high level of integrity from which I am learning. She made a great sacrifice to move from Missouri to Utah in her senior year. She subverted her own will for what was best for our family. Her mother and I often call her an old soul because she astounds us with wisdom far beyond her years. She is very spiritual and seems to have a close and personal relationship with the Holy Ghost. She is very much her own person and stands firmly on her morals. I have seen Heavenly Father love her and bless her on many occasions. She loves the gospel, but she seeks out her own testimony and is not satisfied with token efforts to live the gospel. She can feel the spirit of others. She is a true and loyal friend. She works hard in her studies and at her job. She has bought her own car and pays her own gas and insurance without complaint. She has a sense of what book, movie, or song will add to her life and is a good example of the commandment that if there are is anything good that would add to our life to seek it out. She has and angelic voice and I love to hear her sing which she often will break into a song spontaneously! She is gifted on the instrument as well. There is not enough good things that I can say about her. But, I can some it all up by saying that from the moment of her birth she has been a blessing and gift to our family. Thank you Hannah for choosing to come our way.

The snow is quite beautiful as I look out our bedroom window. It has snowed off and on for most of the week and I would say that we have a six to 8 inch accumulation. It is fortunate for the rest of the world that I no longer drive an automobile for I am sure I would be out in this and I am one of the worst snow drivers that I know! It is so much better for me just to admire it from our bedroom window.

One of my goals for this year that I have prayed about it is that our family return to the reading of The Book of Mormon. This is unfolding in the way that I would not have imagined. A few days ago Saren began reading The Book of Mormon on her own in the morning before getting out of bed. A couple of days after she had started she told Tawnya and I about her reading. This morning after I finally woke up (my medications are causing me to sleep very soundly) Tawnya told Seth and I that she had crawled in bed with Saren this morning and had read out to of The Book of Mormon with her. Saren read the part where Nephi mentions that he was only 14 years old. That really impressed Saren as she has just turned 12. Anyway, as for my goal we are now two out of four reading In the Book of Mormon. I will start today and try to catch up with them and invite Hannah to read also.

Today in my reading of 21 Days Closer to Christ, the author wrote about an account in Mark about Jesus casting outdate deaf and dumb spirit from a young boy. It is possible that the father may have been a scribe as there were many scribes in the vicinity who were questioning the disciples of Jesus. Apparently, the father had already taken the boy to one or more of Jesus's disciples and asked for a blessing to no avail. Jesus saw this as an opportunity to teach those who were around him. He called them a faithless generation. Somehow, I have missed something in the translation. Maybe Jesus was just talking with those disciples whom had tried to heal the boy. It is possible also that maybe Jesus was talking to the father of the boy. Then Jesus asked the of the father how long had this condition existed for the boy. Again this is a phrase that confuses me because if he is going to heal him and what doesn't matter how long it has existed. Verses 22 through 24 seem to be the essence of the story for me. The father of the boy asked that Jesus share compassion with his son. I don't think that the compassion is compassion in the way that we think of it (kindness) but seems to be a type of compassion that has the power to heal. It is some form of grace. Then Jesus asked the father if he believed and taught him that all things can be done for those that believe. The father then admitted to Jesus that while he did believe, perhaps his belief wasn't at the level necessary for the healing of his son. Then with great hope and repentance and incredible believe, the father cried out to Jesus to make up for the belief that he lacked. Apparently Jesus did this because he healed his son.

There are so many areas of my life in which I have weakness. But certainly, I am weak in my belief that the Lord can do any miracle that he deems necessary. I am in need of His compassion, His grace to make up for my weaknesses. I shall make it a matter of prayer.

My Journey -- January 31, 2008

2008-01-31T18:19:00.000-08:00

Today in my reading of 21 Days Closer to Christ, the reading was Luke 19: 1 -- 6 which is the story of Zacchaeus. He was a publican, a tax collector, who were seen as sinners by the Jews. In fact, if a Jew became a publican he was excommunicated. The Scriptures have many accounts though of publicans who were converted to Christ. Zacchaeus wanted to see the Savior and hear his message so much but he was so small that he couldn't see over the throng. So, he made haste to find a Sycamore tree along the path and climbed it to see the Lord. When the Savior saw Zacchaeus, He asked him to return to his home and prepare it because the Lord planned to spend the evening with him and his family. Those that followed Jesus questioned him as to why he would spend time with the sinner.

The author of 21 Days Closer to Christ, invited the reader to consider what our own individual Sycamore tree was. What quiet place do we go to to focus on the Lord? The closest I come to that I believe is when I wake up in the middle of the night and am awake for several hours. I used that time to meditate and pray. I have learned much about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ during these hours. I also like to go across the street to the cemetery to ponder and pray. Often my thoughts are drawn to the Plan of Salvation and to the resurrection. Still, there is much more I can do to focus on the Lord and I can do it more frequently.

The author also invites us to make haste and invite the Lord into our home. One of the great things about our home is the way that Tawnya has decorated. There are many pictures of Christ and symbols of his teachings. This goes a long ways to inviting Christ into our home. But we could also make it a more frequent part of our prayers. What would it be like to know that Christ was coming to our home? What preparations would we make? I wonder what we would feed Him? Hopefully, it would be Tawnya's special Thai dish and the girls could make no bake cookies for dessert. Then we could sit at his feet and soak in His being and message. Surely, we would all feel unconditionally loved and His grace would help us to grow to new levels. And I could imagine that we would all offer tear felt expressions of gratitude. It is an awesome thought to be in the presence of the Savior. Hopefully and prayerfully I will experience that someday. I wonder if that is the fruit that is most white and precious amongst all fruits?

Today my medication didn't make me as drowsy this morning. I was able to write a letter to include with my application for endorsement of licensure. I will be able to send the application tomorrow. Seth shaved me and cut my finger nails today. It is a blessing to have him around. I then went on a long roll to Bicentennial Park and enjoyed the sunshine and pondered my many blessings. I spent the afternoon in the office with Tawnya reading and translating Spanish for one of the tenants. It is a blessing for me to be around Tawnya. She has so many strengths and abilities. She always impresses me with something new! Bree brought over the family pictures this evening and they are all cute.

My Journey -- January 30, 2008

2008-01-30T16:50:00.000-08:00

It is a time for mourning for members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saint's. Our beloved Prophet, President Gordon B. Hinckley has passed away. He brought so much to us as members of the Church. Of the prophets I have known President Hinckley and President Kimball have been my favorites. President Hinckley taught us about inclusiveness and unconditional love. He had a wonderful sense of humor that brought a softness to the Church. He was a tireless servant and worked always with a smile. He had a deep love for his wife and I hope they have found each other by now. My wife and daughters met Sister Hinckley during one of the General Conferences. She was very gracious and you certainly could feel her love. President Hinckley set a tone and example for members of the Church worldwide. During his presidency, we have built so many new and beautiful temples. He brought our Church in to the 21st century.

In the chapter of the book 21 Days Closer to Christ, the chapter was about Jesus's visit to Mary and Martha wherein Mary sat at Jesus's feet and Martha served the food. Martha felt that she was doing all the work and asked Jesus to ask Mary to help. Jesus then indicated that perhaps Mary had chosen the better part. Now we don't have a lot of background to the story. So it is hard to draw some hard conclusions. Certainly, what Martha was doing was also a good choice. So we have a common challenge that all of us face often -- how to choose the better part between two good choices. The author of the book makes a reference to a talk given by president Hinckley. President Hinckley often invited us to do our best. But in this particular talk he mentioned that perhaps our best could be a little better... that we could raise the bar on our best. I don't remember this talk when it was given, but it is certainly applicable to my life now. I can do better and more to increase my efforts to know Jesus Christ. My prayers and meditations can be longer and more sincere. My reading of the Scriptures can be more frequent, started by prayer, and with more of an effort to learn about Jesus Christ in all that I read.

I have been blessed in the past few days with good health. Nancy Pope signed off on my form for verification of hours worked as an LCSW in Missouri. This was the last piece that I was waiting for to submit my application to have my licensure transferred from Missouri to Utah. I had been held up for several months by someone who made it low priority but did not let me know that. My relationship with Tawnya seems to be getting stronger by the day and she has been very kind to me. I found another book that I have been reading called Happiness Is an inside Job. In this book, I have begun to learn some about Buddhist philosophy. As I have started to implement some of the practices in my life, I find that it brings me closer to Jesus Christ as it helps me reach for wisdom, kindness, mindfulness, and equanimity. All of these principles seem to lead toward charity and charity and grace are two of the greatest qualities of Jesus Christ.

My Journey -- January 24, 2008

2008-01-24T10:55:00.000-08:00

In my reading yesterday of 21 Days Closer to Christ, the Scripture that we were invited to read and ponder was Isaiah 50: 10-11. This is a very interesting Scripture and a very close to my life journey. I learned a great deal from this Scripture. I had and do have a great desire to follow the Commandments of Heavenly Father. But, often instead seeking out his Commandments from the words of prophets I rely upon my own self. This has often left to me in a state darkness. And it in an effort to bring light to my life, I have often kindled my own fire and accepted that fire as my light to see by. When in reality, the only true light is that that comes from Jesus Christ. So, instead of shouldering my challenges myself and walking in darkness, I need to present my challenges to Heavenly Father and follow the light that he gives me.

What are the ways that I have been able to turn to the Lord for direction and support? I can find his light through meditation,, pondering, reading in the Scriptures, reading the First Presidency addresses they come out each month in the Ensign, and direction that come during General Conference. These are the ways that I have found to stay as close to the prophets as possible. I have been lacking in some of these areas which has left me wandering in the darkness. But I am making a great effort to change that particularly through reading the Scriptures,, and pondering and prayer.

Seth had an impromptu interview with an advertising agency out of New York. They invited him back for a second interview when he goes to New York. This is a nervous time for Jackie and Seth, but I am certain that Seth will land a wonderful job and so will Jackie which will get them started on the journey of their careers. I think that more schooling is in the picture for Seth in the future as is stated in his patriarchal blessing.

In my life, I have seen many miracles. Miracles in our family, miracles and our children, miracles in our marriage, and miracles in my friends lives. All of the miracles I have seen whether great or small have taught me to have faith and trust in the Lord. It is when I put my trust in myself or others that I fall into darkness. There are still promises that my Heavenly Father has whispered to me and I know they will come to pass in the right time and according to the will of He that knows best.

I would like to quote a poem that I found in the Ensign today. It is entitled "The Bridge Builder by the poet Will Allen Dromgoole's:

An old man, going a lone highway,
Came at the evening, cold and gray,
To a chasm, fast and deep and wide,
Through which was flowing a sullen tide.
The old man crossed in the twilight dim;
The sullen stream had no fears for him;
But he turned when safe on the other side
And built the bridge to span the tide.
Old man, said a fellow pilgrim near,
You are wasting strength with building here:
Your journey will end with the ending day;
You never again must pass this way;
You have crossed the chasm deep and wide
Why build you the bridge at the Eventide?
The builder lifted his old gray head:
Good friend, in the path I have come, he said,
There followeth after me today
A youth who's fee must pass this way.
This chasm that has been naught to me
To that fair headed youth may a pitfall be.
He, too, must crossed in the twilight dim;
Good friend, I am building the bridge for him.

This poem really kind of summaries the reasons for me writing this blog. It is my generative effort to build a bridge over the chasms of life for my children or others who may pass this way.

The article in the Ensign by President Monson was a wonderful description of the bridges That the Master Bridge Builder erects for all of us. The first bridge being the bridge of obedience. Certainly there can be no argument that Jesus Christ was a great example of obedience. But why is this described as a bridge. Obedience takes us from darkness to light. The next bridge is the bridge of service. This bridge takes us from unclean to sanctification. The last bridge is the bridge of prayer. This takes us from relying upon our own fire to relying upon the direction of our Heavenly Father. Truly the Savior has built for us some mighty bridges over some very deep chasms. I know if we will take these bridges that we can grow in our knowledge and wisdom. From grace to grace... by grace for grace my journey continues and I feel closer to Jesus Christ every day.

My Journey -- January 21, 2008

2008-01-21T17:23:00.000-08:00

Curtis left yesterday to go back home to Missouri. He adds so much to our family when he is here and I will miss him a lot. He has a great passion for life and lives the best that he can. He and I had a bit of a falling out on Saturday. For some reason, he believes that he can tell his parents how to behave. It's not that his ideas are are so far off base, it's just the way he presents them. Anyway, I love him and will miss him until he returns.

We had family pictures taken on Saturday and then Paul (Eric's father) invited us to go with he, Bree and Eric, and Tawnya and I to see a movie out called The Bucket List with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. It was a very funny movie with wonderful and touching meaning. After the movie, we went to dinner at a fabulous restaurant and enjoyed each other's company. Paul is a wonderful and kind man and this is the first time that he and I have been together since my accident. It was a wonderful evening and together with all.

Yesterday at church, we talked some about Lehi's vision of the Tree of Life and the Rod of Iron. This may be my favorite story or allegory out of all of the Scriptures. I love the way that Lehi invited first his wife and then his children to the Tree. There was no compulsion involved, only an soft invitation. Lehi's desire was that his family be blessed. It truly was the essence of loving kindness or of charity. I pondered how that fits with the notions of Buddhist philosophy that I am studying. It seems to fit very well into the Buddhist tradition of compassion.

Today, in my reading of 21 Days Closer to Christ, the reading was about how Christ walked on the water amidst the storm and when Peter saw him, he asked if he could come unto Him. Of course, invited him to come. It was only when Peter began to fear the storm and the water that he began to sink. And Christ said to him to fear not. I learned from this that when we are a disciple of Christ we still have fears but that if we keep our focus on Christ instead of our fears, we can achieve our potential and not half to be weighed down by our fears. In my efforts to come unto Christ, I know that I have many fears, but if I keep my focus on the Author of courage, peace will reign, there will be no contention with my fears, allowing me access to wisdom to make choices that will allow me to truly come unto Christ. Each action of wisdom gives me more self-assurance in my journey to Christ. I still think I have a ways to go to be more like Peter. In another account in John, Peter and the other apostles saw Christ on the shore as they were in their boat a distance away. Rather than waiting, Peter was so excited to come unto Christ that he jumped off the boat and swam to Him. I would hope that my excitement to come unto Christ can reach that level. I know that my desire to return to the church and have my blessings restored increases each day.

My Journey -- January 17, 2008

2008-01-17T17:48:00.000-08:00

In my reading today of 21 Days Closer to Christ, I was invited to read and ponder Mosiah chapter 2 in The Book of Mormon. I would like to make some comments on this chapter. This has always been one of my favorite chapters in The Book of Mormon. When our family took a vacation to the Yucatán Peninsula and went and visited some old ruins, there was one ruin which I felt fit the description in this chapter. I could stand at one end of the valley and could be heard, even if I spoke in regular tone, throughout the Valley by my family. I could just picture King Benjamin, the great nephite prophet, gathering his people together family by family with their tents open facing the Temple.

In verse four, there is mention of how Heavenly Father had led them out of the land of Jerusalem and out of the hands of their enemies. I don't know what this was like for Lehi and his family, but I can get a sense of that in the way the Lord led my family and me out to of Osage Beach and the hands of our enemies. It is true that our enemies did not seek to snuff out our mortal lives, but the battle was intense for our spiritual souls. I am grateful Heavenly Father for his inspiration in this matter and also I am grateful for my wife's humility and courage to listen His direction. I feel like that's our family is in the land where it is easier to keep the commandments of God and find joy and truly love our fellow man.

In the last few days, I have been reading a lot about Buddha and his enlightenment. Living in this land, I believe gives me more of a chance to see to perfect the principles of enlightenment which seem to boil down to me as the same principles of charity. I truly hope to one day possess a qualities of charity, empathic joy, and benevolence in my life.

In verses 15 -- 17, there seems to be a very good plan laid out for us so that we might be further sanctified. In my opinion that plan is service to others. At this point in my life, I am really trying to work on that. I must define my service to others as much different now because I can not physically serve others. But shortly Heavenly Father will show me ways that I can emotionally and spiritually serve others. In the meantime, I just do my best to be kind to all. But even that, at times, I find to be difficult. It seems to be most difficult to me when an ideal with people of what I perceive as less intelligence or limited intellectual abilities. I need to remember though that there are many others who have shown kindness to me when I have been at a much lower intellectual state then they are. Also, our culture defines intellect in a very linear way when I believe that there are many forms of intellect and if I would but take a little more time I am sure that I could find forms of intellect in the everyone that are way beyond my own in that area and from which I can learn if I will but only express kindness.

In the book I mentioned above, the author extends us an invitation to think about the times in which we have been led like those in Mosiah by up prophet. What comes to my mind are principles in general. Since I have joined the church I have learned kindness and quietness from President Kimball. I have learned that the gospel can be black-and-white and that we need to live the Commandments exactly as they are and not live the gospel is a smorgasbord from President Benson. I have learned to love the Temple from President Hunter and President Hinckley. And I have learned Kumar and unconditional love from President Hinckley. I believed the promise of President Benson that if we would read together as a family The Book of Mormon that our families would be blessed. Most of our children learn how to read by starting their reading in The Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon has been a source of instruction, inspiration, and testimony for all of our family and we truly have been blessed as we have taken the time to read from this great book as a family each day. I have fallen in my responsibilities as the father of this family to encourage daily family reading in The Book of Mormon. I know the promise is as true today as it was the day it was given and I heard it. It is my laziness and lack of leadership that leaves our family without these great blessings. I choose this to be something I can work on over the next year. Our family is not unlike many others in that we have become very fractured leg a great amount of things there are to do. Still I pray and hope over the next year that I can receive inspiration on how our family can read daily from The Book of Mormon.

Overall, I have felt much healthier today and I have enjoyed a day in companionship with my sons and I now listen to my daughter and her friend talk to their boyfriends on the telephone in the other room. Her talk is innocent. I miss that in a sense in my life that particular childlike quality. My life is not too far lived to regain that precious quality. Surely, this is a quality worthwhile of my prayers.

My Journey -- January 16, 2008

2008-01-16T17:45:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up feeling sick to my stomach and almost didn't get out of bed. I was glad that I did because I was able to do a lot of reading. In my reading of 21 Days Closer to Christ, the invitation was to read the parable of the Good Shepherd in John 10: 1 -- 18 and ponder some questions. I would like to make some comments on this parable and then respond to the questions.

The parable indicates that at times there could be false shepherds or thieves amongst the sheep. The world is full of false shepherds of which I have experienced many. Anything that controls your life in such a way that you do not have the time or inclination to follow the commandments is a false shepherd. Some examples that I have experienced are things such as: graduate school, careers, jobs, addictions, excessive zeal in fulfilling callings, poor health, poor diets, excessive zeal in diet teen or exercising, reading, television watching, sports, leisure time, staying up too late, poor choice in friends, fears, and many more. Any of these can keep us from keeping basic commandments and from praying daily. And if we stray from this, we either become too far away to hear the call of the Good Shepherd or we do not learn how to listen for His inviting and directing voice. I have found myself stranded... cut off from the flock if you will on many occasions. Because, if we are following the voice of a false shepherd or we are being led by a thief, you can be sure that we will be abandoned by such leaving a stranded and separated from the flock. I am grateful that I have been given time in this mortal life and my journey has been given new directions such that they may now learn how to hear, listen, and follow the invitation of the Good Shepherd.

Another salient point made in this parable is that have the ability and power to take his own life and was following a commandment given by his Father when he laid down his life and arose again to prepare for us an atonement and the resurrection. I am grateful for, particularly since my accident, that we will all be restored to a perfect body someday. I have given much thought to this principle and it is my testimony that it surely will come to pass. In fact, in faith I am planning out my first day of being resurrected. I also know that Christ is the only one given that power to lay down their own life and lift it up once again. I learned this as I laid beneath that great oak my tree of good and evil. In those many hours that I laid there, I wished I could just pull myself up to my feet and walk away. Then, at one point, I realized that all I could do was put my life in the hands of my Heavenly Father and plead with him that he would spare me some more time so that I could repent in this mortal life. Our mortal lives are indeed at his discretion.

As for the questions of the book noted above:

How has His voice come to you?
His voice came to me as a scared little child when I lost my father's pocketknife and I asked in prayer for His help in finding it.
His voice came to me when I was invited to listen to the missionaries and not to challenge them but to actually hear the message of the true gospel.
His voice came to me when I spent a day among the great firs of Washington asking Heavenly Father which church was true.
His voice came to me as I was baptized and confirmed a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
His voice came to me and invited me to serve a mission.
His voice came to me many times throughout my mission that I have more completely detailed in my mission Journal.
His voice led me to Missouri after my mission instead of Washington.
His voice led me to take a group of youths to a dance in a small town in Missouri where I met the most beautiful and tumble person I have ever known.
His voice invited me to invite her to baptism, to marriage, and to be sealed in the Temple.
His voice told me to stay by her side through the twists and turns of our incredible marriage.
His voice invited me to plead with my Heavenly Father to extend my life.
His voice invited me to repent and come to know Him and my Heavenly Father.
His voice invited me to do my best to keep this blog to invite my children and others to come unto Christ.
One way that I have heard His voice today has been to read this parable to ponder its words and to review the great blessings of His voice in my life. Today, I am also beginning to hear His voice reassuring me that I am one of His and that I am okay by myself. It is turning out to be a great learning experience in this part of my journey to know and experience a peacefulness in my own self separate from my identity as a companion with Tawnya. Those of you who know me up to now perhaps have seen that my relationship with Tawnya has become too dependent, but my journey has taken a turn for the better.

My Journey -- January 15, 2008

2008-01-16T16:45:00.000-08:00

Today in my reading of 21 Days Closer to Christ, the book quoted a scripture out to of The Book of Mormon in Mosiah which gives us direction on the appropriate steps to take in prayer. Then we were offered an imitation to apply those steps to a prayer that we would have today. One of the steps is to choose to pray about that which is good. I believe this requires some forethought.

I have been struggling to get a form signed from one of my working tears in Missouri so that I can transfer my LCSW from Missouri to Utah. It was taking forever and I had already exceeded Utah's requirements for filing. I was very discouraged and called the Utah board for licensing and asked them what I should do. They suggested that I pick someone else to fill out this form. I only knew one another person in my field that I thought could or would be willing to fill out the form. I called and spoke with her briefly then sent her a detailed e-mail. After I sent the e-mail, and was thinking about my discouragement, it came to my mind that this would be a good thing to pray for. So, I leaned my chair back and offered a simple and fervent prayer to Heavenly Father that he would put to it in the heart of the person that I had e-mailed my request to be willing to do this form for me. I received an e-mail back from her almost immediately that said she would be happy to fulfill the request! What a blessing! Now I will pray that the state will waive their requirement and allow me to transfer my licensure.

Today is Saren's birthday. She is 12 years olds. She is such a wonderful hope daughter and growing into a beautiful and righteous young woman. She got her ears pierced as a birthday present. And she got a few other things. Her brother Curtis bought her to tickets to the Hannah Montana 3-D concert that will show at the local theater. One thing that was very sad for me is that I could not go with her to the Temple to do baptisms. It has been a tradition for all of our other children to take them to the Temple to do baptisms on their 12th birthday. But Tawnya suggested one way that she wanted to participate in this tradition. She is going to prepare the work for grandma Maxine so that Saren can take her name to the Temple. Saren will be scheduling a temple trip with her two sisters. I have a testimony of the truthfulness of the ordinances that are performed in the Temple. I can not wait to have these ordinances restored to me. I am grateful that all of our children are sealed to Tawnya and I. I am also grateful that Tawnya and I. are sealed together. On many occasions it is this ordinance that I come back to when we have challenges in our marriage.

We had a party for Saren's birthday here at our apartment. It was a great joy to me to have all of our children around. Tawnya made Saren's favorite meal: spring rolls, peanut sauce, and Thai soup. One of Saren's friends baked her a cake and brought it over. After my aid came over and put me to bed, Tawnya, Saren, Hannah, Jackie, and Seth climbed in and around our bed and we all watched a clean flicks version of Mean Girls. I thoroughly enjoyed the evening and love being a father even if it has changed a lot. What wonderful children we have. Surely a testament to their great mother!

Blog begins... but journey is well underway!

2008-01-11T16:33:00.000-08:00

Recently, Elder Ballard of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in a commencement address to graduating students at BYU-Hawaii suggested that members of the Church should use the new media such as blogs to help inform people around the world about Jesus Christ and our church.

I am on my marvelous journey to know Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father and have decided to record events in my journey in this blog. My hope is that as my posterity (and perhaps others) read about the events of my journey they may be strengthened in their own journeys and testimonies. My hope in the my work is that all may come unto Christ and experience a sweet and growing journey of their own.

As my children know, I was excommunicated from The Church in August 2005. I believe that the reasons for my excommunication are between my Heavenly Father and myself. I also believe that being excommunicated was the kindest gift that my Heavenly Father could give to me. While I have been coming to know Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father since my conversion to The Church in 1978, being excommunicated has greatly accelerated my journey.

On October 29, 2006 I was given another great gift that again accelerated my journey. I fell from a tall oak tree (which I now have named The Tree of Good and Evil). While laying on the ground, I knew that I was in Heavenly Father's Hands and a continuation or discontinuation of my mortal life was at His discretion. I remember praying unto Him and asking Him to spare my mortal life long enough for me to repent, be rebaptized, have my blessings restored, and return to the Temple at least once with my wife and children. Heavenly Father graciously granted my request. But, He placed upon me the gift and challenge of rolling through my journey in this life as a quadriplegic.

Since my accident, my family and I have received many blessings that I hope to detail in future posts to this blog. My heart and soul is grateful for the continuation of my mortal life in these many blessings. Still, I am emotionally in contention with the gift of quadriplegia. I am learning this as I am currently reading two books: 21 Days Closer to Christ by Emily Freeman and Happiness Is an inside Job by Sylvia Boorstein. Both books are helping me to know myself and Jesus Christ.

Today I read the account of Jairus and his daughter in Matthew 9: 18-26. Included in this account is one of my favorite stories of the one